These are my dress clothes

Hi, we are Amy and Caitlyn - two bloggers from Atlanta who met when a common goal to avoid the University of Georgia and lack of familial finances led us both to the tragic choice of attending Georgia Tech. It marked the demise of the glorious mid-90's and led to the unfortunate turn of the century. The good news is that we have since triumphed over those bereft roots and have made much better choices since then. The Oh's (2004 - current) have led to a glorious cultural rebirth for mankind, akin to the Italian Renaissance led primarily by the Disney Channel, a modern-day apprenticeship for the next generation of celebrity. Given our love of talking to each other, we felt that in this new day and age of Service to humanity, it is our civic duty to share our minds with the masses….it is what Barack Obama would want us to do and if nothing else, we are patriots.

It's been licious.

C: What the hell is wrong with these people?

I semi-recently attended an offsite retreat with my company. It lived up to every glorius expectation: there was team-building galore, drunken foolery, 'training', inspirational videos and speeches, games, clapping, cheering,singing (no joke....around a campfire to boot), and mad quantities of chicken entree's consumed.

I did what I always do at these things - stand in the back and make fun of everyone else. Because I'm mean. Like, really mean. It became evident in the first 20 minutes that I have not really progressed beyond high school.

But, I'm here to make my case to you that I'm not evil. You would have done the exact same thing.

Here's the scene: A group of 80 or so professionals of all kinds are seated in groups of 6 around tables watching a screen. On this screen flashes inspirational sayings in different fonts with backgrounds of inspirational photos....like clouds, andfighter jets, and football teams, and smiling kids. Some song like 'We are the World' plays in the background. This proceeds for 5 loooooong minutes. At the end a woman, the event planner, approaches the stage to thank her team for helping her put together such a fantastic offsite. She begins crying. She is overcome with joy that so many wonderful people have worked with her. She is crying so hard that she can't speak; she can bearly breathe. The audience averts their eyes. I snicker to the dude next to me 'You have got to be kidding me? What the hell?' He has a soul and so just pretends not to hear (though he clearly heard me).

Someone decides the only solution is to begin clapping. I refuse to join in as I do not deem an emotional breakdown at a corportate retreat worth applaud. Woman manages to somehow pull it together enough to finish up her speech. As if she is somehow lifted by her colleagues' applause. WTF?

This can't be real life. It is an ABSOLUTE miracle companies actually make money.

C: $100

I have realized that I have a congenital disease passed on from mother to daughter in all upper-middle-class suburbs. It is beyond my mental, emotional and physical capabilities to spend less than $100 at Target. I bet House could find a cure, but as it stands right now, in a House-less world, I am just a victim of the disease....destined to suffer for eternity.

Today I went to Target for 2 packs of diapers. That is $35 (we split 50/50 cheap Target brand and expensive Pampers to get the double-whammy self-esteem boost associated with spoiling your child and also being fiscally responsible). I spent a total of $310.28. I am not entirely sure what I bought with that $310.28, but I know I walked out of the store feeling really good about myself and enjoying the spending-high.

Okay that is a total lie - I know exactly what I bought because it is what I always buy at Target: luxurious crap. It is important to differentiate total crap with luxurious crap. Wal*mart sells total crap. Target, however, sells you crap you don't need but are willing to pay a lot of money to put it in your house. I would never spend more than $5 on hair products I don't need at Wal*mart and yet I will lay down $10 in 3 seconds flat at Target for the same thing.

Today I bought both a curling iron and a hair straightener. I have both already, but for some reason I felt the need to 'upgrade' my hair tools b/c the price was reasonable and it felt luxurious to pamper myself with new, ionic, ceramic hair tools in shiny packaging. It should be noted that I wear my hair in a non-straightened and non-curled ponytail everyday of my life.

I also bought my dogs new toys and treats. It should be noted that my dogs eat each others' feces.

I also bought women's multi-vitamins. It should be noted that I eat my son's Flintstone vitamin (of which we have 300 remaining) everyday when he inevitably rejects it to embrace his status as the only monstrous 2-year old on the planet who is anemic.

I also bought new powder, foundation, make-up remover, mascara and lip-gloss. It should be noted that I already have a years' supply of each from the last time I went to Target. But the make-up remover, mascara and lip-gloss were mostly organic, so I mentally chalked the purchase up to being a good citizen of the planet.

I also bought 2,500 stickers - I am not exaggerating. I actually bought two 1,000 sticker boxes and 20 more 4-sheet packs of stickers. I spent over $30 on stickers. As I type this, I am concerned about my mental stability b/c again - I'm not really sure why I felt the need to buy 2,500 stickers.It should be noted that I am not a teacher; I do not really need to stick things; I am not crafty. I just bought them. I told myself 'You can put them in the kid's stocking at Christmas or you can give them to the preschool teacher. It is a good bargain and they are cute.'

Delusional.

What I should be spending $100 a week on is Target stock. But that is lame, so I'll keep filling my house with luxurious crap: it is the American way.

A: GG for the masses

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a fashionista (and by fashionista, I mean I religiously follow Target fashion).  So of course I was ecstatic to learn that Target was releasing a new line of Gossip Girl inspired clothes by the designer, Anna Sui.  Word has it that there will be nineteen GG character inspired looks and the clothes will be available September 13th - October 17th, which means that we all have 2.5 months to decide which GG we want to dress like.  Click here for a slideshow.  The clock is ticking....

C: Randomly good blogs

So, here are some randomly good blogs...in no particular order; excellent way to kill time....

http://readersrespite.blogspot.com/

http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/

http://lifehacker.com/

http://sethgodin.typepad.com/

Feel free to add more in the comments section [HINT, HINT!!]

C: Please sir, may I have some more?

Happiness is pretty much a universal request. I mean, who doesn't want to be happy? I am not counting snotty, self-righteous teenagers who wear all black and complain for a living....they all come around anyways when they get their first real job in their 20's and mommy and daddy no longer fund their self-pity. 

There is all kinds of interesting research on happiness; interesting, but often useless. I was having a conversation with some friends about happiness when a particularly nerdy friend (yeah, I said it) mentioned an article she had read in The Economist; which is useful, but never interesting. Now, I will go off on a slight tangent here because I do not want to mislead any readers. I do not read The Economist; I actually do not really know what it is. I read Lucky, Us Weekly and occasionally People....though I personally feel People has an overly high word:picture ratio. But I really believe in diversity so I give this friend a chance. Well, I outwardly scoff at her choice in periodicals, and recently gave her a tutelage on Jon & Kate...but that is as close as it gets to me actually embracing this kind of thought diversity.

Anyways, back to happiness. The Economist claims that happiness is all relative. So, if you hang out with people dumber and poorer than you, you will be happy. I may be paraphrasing the research a bit here. The most interesting finding was that men are extremely specific in their happiness relativity - their happiness depends greatly on whether they make more money than their wive's sister's husband. Now, I'm not sure what happens when their wife doesn't have a sister....maybe then it is a brother. If the wife is an only child, then the poor dude probably has to go to a first cousin or something. Family trees will be helpful in this exercise.

But the gist of it is this: if you are a man, find a mate who has a sister who is married to someone super poor - maybe someone in prison.  If you are a woman - surround yourself with really poor friends - I would suggest the homeless. Then you will be extraordinarily happy.

An alternative would be to do what I do: read about Jon & Kate (8 kids!) and Speidi (married to Spencer Pratt!) all day long and just be grateful that I'm not them.

A: The secret to becoming a successful blogger...

….is to actually write blogs.  Clearly, if you follow this line of thought, I am not going to be a successful blogger.   However, we here at These Are My Dress Clothes follow the first rule of showbiz/relationships/etc…Always leave ‘em wanting more.  Sometimes you just need a little space to appreciate what you have and Caitlyn and I like to feel appreciated. 

But now we are back and as Caitlyn has already stated, we owe you guys an explanation for our absence.  So here is what I’ve been doing when I was not blogging:

1. Reading my new favorite Gossip Magazine, The Most! From the peeps at Vibe.  The Most!, released June 09 brands itself as  "the definitive voice of urban culture” while also claiming to be “all up in the bizness”.  Its like UsWeekly only more entertaining.  You are really going to have to just check it out for yourself, but in the meantime, here is a sneak peek of my new favorite game from the pages of TheMost! “Dope or Nope".

2.      Obsessing over premium channel summer series, Trueblood and Weeds.   My monogamous relationship with HBO has come to an end this summer with the addition of Showtime’s Weeds. Watching this damaged familial makes me feel better about my life and that is something that I cannot wait for the DVD; therefore, I’ve added Showtime to my Comcast package and now have 11 channels of movies.  Its amazing I even get off the couch to go to work anymore.

3.     Spreading the gospel of sunscreen. Apparently there are still people out there that believe there is such a thing as a safe tan.  Recently, I have been surrounded by these people and I find myself applying sunscreen to their children and spraying them with spray-on-sunscreen when they are not looking as I regurgitate facts such as melanoma is the leading cancer in men over age 50, and that nearly half of all Americans who live to age 65 will develop skin cancer.  Its practically a full time job protecting us from ourselves, but someone has got to do it.

C: Version 2.0 - Bigger and Better

We here at These are my dress clothes take constructive criticism very seriously. We have had a few requests from readers (okay, the plural is maybe just a bit of an overstatement) to make some changes to the blog. Specifically, we will now:

1. Indicate which one of use wrote the blog - I added an 'A' for Amy and 'C' for Caitlyn in front of each blog title. I like that it makes me feel like I'm in the cast of gossip girl using only first initials as a name.

2. Actually write some blogs - apparently this is step one to blogging

Now, I would like to offer up a laundry list of excuses as to why we have been so delinquent as of late. I'll let Amy explain her own adventures, but as for me, I would like to submit the following:

1. So You Think You Can Dance is on at least 4 hours a week: how am I supposed to just ignore that? How would I know what Cat was wearing? How could I live without my weekly fix of Mary Murphy's botoxed face screeching like a banshee? 
2. True Blood is back on: This absorbs about 5 hours a week since I cannot figure that show out. Why do so many people in po-dunk Louisiana have odd, special powers? Why did that one woman have a giant pig? Why does Sookie wear such short shorts all year round? Doesn't she get cold ever?
3. I started reading this crazy-good YA Lit series by Scott Westerfeld : post-apocalyptic, teen-focused, cool gadgets, everything a girl could want
4. My body is rejecting the aging process: this summer I turn 30 and it isn't going that well. Thus far I have somehow injured my rotator cuff (it wasn't pitching 90-mile an hour fastballs...I wasn't actually aware you could injure your shoulder in any other way) and I have completely knocked my jaw out of place and can no longer bite down on one side due to stress (my dentist claims I must be clenching my teeth at night....which has dire consequences)....dealing with injuries takes up a lot of time
5. And work

See, I had good reasons....don't be a hater.

C: Whack-a-mole

The reason this post is so late-coming is that I've been struggling with 'work-life balance' as of late. And by 'balance' I mean that I've been working non-stop and thus my life has sucked. Work-life balance is touted as the holy grail for working parents. Some land of milk and honey that is attainable for everyone if you just try hard enough and prioritize correctly. It is the modern American Dream: happy kids, happy spouse, engaging career, oh my!

Here's the deal: it is total bullshit (sorry for the cursing, Mom). There is no way to have a perfect career (i.e. not a JOB) and have a perfect home. Completely IMPOSSIBLE. In my 2 years of extensive research: reading blogs, news articles, attending women leadership seminars, mentoring programs, Covey this and Covey that, reading books, bitching with coworkers....etc, I have yet to find any clue as to how to do this right and maintain a real 'balance' of happy work and happy home lives. In fact, I am getting worse at it as I go along.

Here is why: the better you are at work - the more they will pull you to work; the better you are as a parent/spouse - the more they will pull you to home. It is easiest to see in the workplace - the best worker in the office is always the busiest - not because they are inefficient; quite the opposite actually, because he/she is soooo efficient! Home is the same way - kids are never satisfied with just a little quality time and the more fun you are, the more time they want.

The only glimmer of hope that I have gleamed is that the key to it all is to lower your expectations and to eliminate all feelings of guilt. People will tell you all the time "just prioritize and learn to say no". What they do not tell you is how to say no and not feel the guilt. And I'm not just talking about work....learning to say no to your kid and not feel guilty is definitely a zen-master-level skill. A mentor once told me that all that matters is that you can look yourself in the eye at the end of every single day and be okay with the choices you made - not ecstatic, not fully satisfied, but just plain 'okay'. That is the key - making 'okay' better than just 'okay' to you.

Given that no one has ever managed to give me any clue as to how to achieve this, I have devised a strategy of my own: live life like whack-a-mole. So, here's the deal: no one is good at whack-a-mole. Except maybe those freakish carnies that run the game. The only way you have a chance at the flea-infested pink teddy bear prize is to focus on 2, maybe 3 holes and whack like mad. If you try to cover the whole playing field, it will be a miracle if you score a single point. But you have to really, really focus and commit to the plan or you will end up straying to the other holes and dying a sad death as the game beats you down. If you really, really focus on the 2-3 holes and completely IGNORE the other holes, then you have a small chance at success. You just have to remember every single second of the day that by focusing on the 2-3 goals in life you are winning the game.

Yes, I just used a lame sports/game metaphor, but given that you are going to need to explain this to your boss/coworkers when you say 'no' over and over again....you need to use language they can relate to and we all know that everyone in the working world understands sports/games metaphors.

Oh and in case you want more sources to read [yes, you should check out the links above!!!] - here are a few more good ones that in no way give you an actual plan to improve your life, but are inspiring in some regard:

• The Other 90 Percent
• Work Sucks
• The Juggle
• Getting Things Done

A: If I ruled the airways….

When a loyal fan request a specific blog post, we at the Dress Clothes blog listen because we are nothing without our fans.  So when one of our top five fans (who consequently is my uncle) requested a post about airlines and the new fees for checking bags, we gladly complied.

So here it goes….

My uncle has a rough life which most recently involved frequent international and domestic travel to really horrible locations like NYC and the Galapagos Islands.  It’s shocking that someone with such a charmed life could come back from those trips with complaints; but alas - he is related to me, so it’s to be expected.  Anyway, during his recent travels, he came to the realization that airlines are run by idiots.  Okay, that’s my own editorial.  But I figure if my uncle didn’t really want me to ad lib for him, he’d have started his own blog by now (which I would totally read).  I digress.  So, my uncle believes that airlines have the paying for luggage thing backwards.  He believes that you should charge people who carry on luggage and not the passengers that check bags because the carry on travelers are the people who end up delaying the departure and cause all the boarding problems.  Honestly, I think it’s brilliant.  So brilliant that I’ve created a list of five other policies the airlines should consider implementing:

1.       Abolish unisex bathrooms:  Last time I checked, Americans don’t share bathrooms with the opposite sex.  It’s just indecent.

2.       Replace the peanuts with chocolate:  Salty snacks make you thirsty, chocolate makes you happy. 

3.       Establish a no talking section on the plane:  When booking a flight, travelers should be able to pick if they want to sit in the silent section of the plane or the talking section.  That way, those of us who still believe it is a bad idea to talk to strangers can travel in peace.

4.       Institute video poker:  Most guys who believe that a girl traveling on a plane would be interested in talking to them would also like video poker.  I believe if these guys had the option to play video poker, they’d be less likely to talk.  Anything that makes guys less likely to talk should be taken seriously.

5.       Allow riders the option to co-share the middle seat:   Here’s the idea -when you buy your ticket, you have the option to purchase half the middle seat. You are then seated in a row with another passenger who elected to co-share, thus guaranteeing an empty middle seat - the jackpot of coach travel.

And finally, I'd like to end with this hilarious and relevant youtube link that is loosely related to air travel but is mostly about our generation and our lack of appreciation we have for the technologies that makes our lives so easy.

C: Pregnant women really are smug

I'm going to start by saying that this post is in no way about my sister - who is due in 2 weeks, and is one of the 5 readers of this blog and more importantly, is not smug in any way.

So, I'm sure some of you have heard the music video all over the net about pregnant women, if not, I recommend you take a listen:

super funny and sadly true link here

At first I was annoyed, like all women who have been pregnant, as my instant reaction was "that is just total crap, no one acts like that". Then I went to work and my attitude changed completely.

I spent 4 hours in a meeting with a pregnant woman. Now, it is important to note that I really like this woman in general. And it is important to note that she is pregnant with twins, and thus all annoying pregnancy habits are doubled.

It was a succession planning meeting (there is not enough time to get into the pointlessness of corporate succession planning....) so we were spending lots of time talking about people's future and the future of the organization, etc, etc, blah, blah. Future talk is not good for innocent bystanders of pregnancy. Every single conversation involved an overt reference to the pregnancy/babies.

IB (innocent bystander): "Why don't you start off by talking about one of your employee's development plans Preggers?"

P (preggers): "Sure, but remember I am PREGNANT [lots of hand pointing to stomach] so comment at your own risk."

IB: "As we rate all of your employees remember that a 'star' designation should only be rendered to maybe 2 people in the whole company. It means they could be the future CEO of the company."

P: "Like these two right here [more hand pointing to stomach]!"

IB: "P, can you please take those sticky notes down since they are right behind you?"

P: "Ok, I mean I am PREGNANT and all, but sure, I can do that." [insert obvious look of exasperation to group and strain dramatically while getting out of chair to turn around 90 degrees and puuuullllllll off those ridiculously heavy sticky notes}

After those 4 hours, I realized what the song was all about. Pregnant women totally suck.