These are my dress clothes

A: Amy’s plan to save the economy from ourselves

I ran across this CNN poll  that stated the following:

·         Nearly eight in 10 Americas say things are going badly in the country

·         Three out of four questioned say that things are going well for them personally

 Huh?  This made me think about the media, self fulfilling prophecies and how collectively, we are idiots. So here is my plan to save the economy from ourselves...

1.       Stop talking about the economy.  To start with, it’s boring.  And, it’s fruitless.  Commenting on the economy is like commenting on Jessica Simpson’s weight gain.  The more we talk about it, the bigger the story gets.   Plus, if you say something enough times, you start to believe it even if it is not true (see CNN poll above).

2.       Stop buying stocks.  We all like to say we have a high risk tolerance but that’s a lie.  So, stop putting your money in companies you know nothing about.  Today I heard these stats on Good Morning America: 

·         New York Times Co. shares have fallen from $24.27 to $3.95, cheaper than the $4 cost of its Sunday edition.

·         General Electric Co. shares fell from $30.30 to $9.08, cheaper than a GE two-slice bagel toaster at Wal-Mart, selling Tuesday for clearance price of $12.

·         Office Depot is down from $38.27 to $1.26, less than a 12-pack of medium point Papermate BallPoint Stick Pens that run $1.89.

·         US Airways has fallen from $53.89 to $3.66, less than the current $4 cost of two in-flight coffees

Instead of investing in large publicly traded companies, become an angel investor in a small business.  Now is a great time to start a business.   Trader Joes, MTV, Wikipedia and IHOP all did it during tough economic times.  

3.       Start having more kids. Declining populations and declining economies go hand-in-hand.  Americans are not reproducing at a rate to support the people who are already here.  Plus, our leaders keep encouraging us to spend to save the economy but people are scared to spend, so the money is not being re-circulated.  Here is where kids come in.  Kids are money pits.  Even if you want to save, they always need more and more.  So, if more people were procreating like Nadya Suleman, octo-mom and using the internet to generate income for themselves, we’d be putting money back into the economy now with the added bonus of ensuring there are enough future tax payers around to support us in our old age.  It’s like killing two birds with one stone.    

A: Persuasion, not just a Jane Austen novel

I like getting what I want.  I really like it. On a scale of one to ten of things that make me happy (with one being the nightly news and ten being a basket full of puppies), getting what I want is about a 9.5 on the happiness scale.  Maybe it has something to do with the middle child syndrome, or maybe I’m just a two year old at heart.  Either way, I’m happiest when things go exactly how I want it. 

Now getting what I want is not so easy and doesn’t happen nearly as often as I would like.  For instance, I really want my family to have a normal Thanksgiving where we eat dinner at 6pm at a table.  The turkey is delivered cooked by Whole Foods and the sweet potato soufflé has pecans instead of marshmallows.  Does this ever happen?  No.  But I’m not giving up.  Recently, I’ve realized that it is not my family who keeps me from having the perfect Thanksgiving or whatever else it is I want at the time, but rather the fact that I am just not as persuasive as I need to be for a girl who likes to get her way.  I’ve started doing some reading on this subject and there’s some good tips out there that I am willing to share – however, let it be known that if you try to use any of these tips on me – I’ll see right through your game.

1.       The first tip I’ve already mastered.  Become an island.  I live by myself and I work by myself which means I have basically eliminated all the factors in life that make you compromise (and by factors I mean people).  Think about it - I never have to share my Netflix queue or fight over the remote and I can paint my entire house purple if I want.  As for work, I get to do the work I want to do and I outsource the rest.  It’s great. 

2.       The second tip is something I’ve learned from working and living in a male dominated world.  Instead of asking for what you want, ask for something that puts you in the situation you need to get what you want.  I know that doesn’t make sense so think about what men do.  When a guy asks a woman out for drinks is it really to get to know her better?  No.  And thus the genius of their persuasion.  You don’t ask for what you want.  Ask for something that leads you to what you want. Now this is something that most women are incapable of doing.  So, if you are female and following this advice, I turn to my career coach, Tim Ferriss and his advice in The 4 hour Work Week.  Make a request and follow it by, “Is this reasonable?”  It’s really hard for people to say no that’s not reasonable and you are one step closer to getting what you want.

3.       Tip three: mirror the behavior of the person you are trying to persuade.  According to one of my favorite books about persuasion, Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive “Behavior mirroring  will led to increased trust, and that increased trust typically leads one negotiator to feel comfortable disclosing details that were ultimately necessary to break a stalemate and create a win-win situation for both parties”.   So the next time you are negotiating one-on-one and the person is sitting with their legs crossed, you should cross your legs.   If she is holding a pen in her hand, you should too.  What if she drinks a glass of water, that’s right – drink one too.  If you don’t think this will work, try yawning in a room of people and see how many follow.

4.       Tip four is another one that has do to with human nature and the fact that we are all followers.  If you decide what you want and just go forward with your plan, most people will follow.  Let’s face it, we are generally a lazy bunch and when given a clear path, we tend to go with the flow.  So the next time you want something, just start taking action and people will follow.  I actually spent New Year ’s Eve at a bowl game because I was just happy that I didn’t have to make a plan.  And by the way, football would be equivalent to the nightly news on my scale of things that make me happy.

5.       The final tip is to figure out how to be funny.  Being  funny makes you likable and we all want to please people we like.  If you are completely incapable of being funny, than do something that makes people think you are fun like go to a concert or make fun foods like cupcakes.  That way if people cannot see you as funny, they will at least see you as fun-ish.

C: Everything you need to know about genetics you can learn in Starbucks

I have just 3 sources for all vital information:

(1) eavesdropping at Starbucks and/or Caribou Coffee

(2) the all-knowing tv monitor in the elevator at work

(3) VH1's Best Week Ever

I have gone through rebellious stages when I did kooky things like listen to NPR or subscribe to a newspaper but those dark days are behind me. I do run into issues when I have a slow meeting week and thus, do not spend a lot of time on the elevator. I didn't know about the Hudson plane crash for 3 days for that reason. On the upside, the elevator also expands my vocabulary on a daily basis. It also offers the occasional irony, like when the word of the day was "smarmy" and I happened to be riding the 'vator with an uber-smarm (noun form of the word...I do love the elevator).

Today, while waiting for my coffee in the Starbucks drive-thru (despite my weekly promise to stop drinking so much coffee), I overheard a patron telling the Starbucks dude (I do not use the word "barista" - it is not real) that having 5 fingers is a recessive trait. Wha, What?!?! So I jumped on Wikipedia to verify. Yes, I fully realize that Wikipedia should not be a source for any fact verification endeavor, and yet I will continue to use it for everything given its extraordinary convenience.

Unfortunately, I then spent the next hour desperately trying to figure out genetics (via Wikipedia, of course). I am fairly certain I nailed this in 7th grade science but for some reason just can't seem to grasp this whole dominant/recessive thing. I do not understand how supposed recessive traits can appear out of nowhere. Like how I have blond hair and the rest of my family is all brunette. Or how my husband has green eyes, when everyone else in his family has blue eyes (by now you are realizing that all of these links are wikipedia links...I wasn't lying). Actually, all my research just uncovered the fact that my husband is 100% recessive and I'm a good mix of both recessiveness (could be a word) and dominance.

Which means that when it comes to our son...I am totally winning.

C: Spunky Monkey

Today I rearranged my favorite pet rankings. Yesterday my 2 dogs were tied for first placed followed distantly by my son's hermit crab, Spunky (or "monkey" as he says). Spunky was in third place because Spunky is very non-spunky. He is an exceptionally hermitous hermit crab who serves as an exemplary model of his species. And thus, he is a very boring pet. I have spent the past several weeks (Spunky joined the family at Christmas) trying desperately to get Spunky to come out by tricking him into thinking that I am a statue and thus non-threatening. It has not been a successful endeavor...and also is likely a sign that I have reached a truly pathetic phase of my life.

Back to the dogs. I have a Sheltie and an Aussie/Retriever mix. They have no known skills though are theoretically smart dogs. This morning they proved beyond reasonable doubt that their level of intellect is highly theoretical. I woke up, went downstairs to let the Aussie out. I then noticed that the Sheltie was missing. I called; she didn't come. Then I heard a distinct distant chewing sound. On go the lights and I discover that my Sheltie is eating the Aussie's poop...in my living room. So, in the middle of the night my Aussie pooped in the living room (despite the fact that she was let out at 11pm) and then my genius Sheltie, upon discovering the prize at 5am this morning, thought "hmm, waste discarded by my sister's body....sounds like a good, nutritious first meal of the day". So, both dogs dropped to the bottom of the list.

Back to the hermit crab. So tonight I tried a new hermit crab food (realize this is all riveting stuff...but hey, welcome to my life), and low and behold, Spunky got spunky!!!! I cannot describe my elation accurately. He abandoned his fear of me and I got to watch him eat for the first time. It was actually not that interesting, but I feel like this is major progress in our relationship and I'm sure he has more tricks up his sleeve that will become apparent as his trust in my grows.

A: Preparing for tough economic times

I’m not going to sugar coat it – times are tough.  The economy is recessed and companies are canning people right and left. In tough times, it pays to stretch a dollar as far as you can.  With that being said, today and tomorrow should be your biggest shopping days of the year.  Discounted V-day chocolate is flying off the shelves at your neighborhood drugstore and if you are financially savvy, you’ll stock up now.  Two to three days after V-day is the best time to buy.  Prices are as low as 75% off.  Of course Easter will bring a new round of chocolate, but do you really have enough to get you through till then?  If you have to think about it – the answer is no.

One of my biggest finds this year is the Junior Mints Valentine’s day box.  It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it’s heart shape, it's delicious!

Another good one is the Russell Stover’s 12 oz truffle assortment.  There is no time to debate milk versus dark chocolate people.  It melts in your mouth and its 75% off at Walgreen’s right now.

Perhaps you are not a chocolate person. Don’t worry, there’s a surplus of Brach’s (who I like a lot more now that he’s president) heart candies for those of you who need the instant sugar and a little conversation.

And while they are not technically Valentine’s day candy, sour patch kids should always be on your watch list.  I love sour patch kids like normal women love real kids.  They’re just so soft and chewy and sour than sweet. I can’t get enough.

A: Socializing at 30,000 feet

People are bizarrely social when they travel.  I’m not sure why, but it seems to be that most travelers think because we share the need to get from one place to another that we are required to socialize en route.  Caitlyn has a theory that airplane socializing exist because  travelers are under the assumption that they will most likely die mid-flight.  Therefore, they desperately feel the need to share all intimate details of their lives with strangers as a celebration of their last moments on earth.  I’ve been on my fair share of flights and I can confirm her theory.  People just can’t shut up when they are on a plane.

I just returned from a trip to Texas and I have to say that there are no shortages of crazies flying to Texas.  I should have known that when the park-n-ride shuttle driver confessed to me that sometimes he wants to just jump out of the moving bus that this trip was going to be no exception.  As it turns out, this guy really doesn’t like his job.  He gets through the day pretending to be Sandra Bullock in the movie, Speed.  I used this opportunity to remind him that Sandra Bullock did not abandon her passengers in a moving vehicle on Camp Creek Parkway and neither should he. 

Once on the airplane, I find myself sitting next to the baggage police, a guy who feels the need to stop people as they are walking down the aisle to tell them that their bag is too big to fit in the overhead compartment.  Of course, he was right on most accounts, but it in no way expedited the boarding process so I feel he should have kept his mouth shut.  Once everyone was in their seats and I was his captive audience he decides to tell that he is on his way to Texas to interview for a job followed by how he hasn’t worked in nine months and if he doesn’t get this job his family is on the verge of being homeless.  Seriously, I’m not Barack Obama ….I cannot solve your housing problems.  The lady on the way back was a little better.  She just wanted to know if I thought it was safe for her and her 10 year old daughter to walk from the five points marta station in downtown Atlanta to her hotel nine blocks away when the flight landed at 10:30pm.  I wanted to tell her it’s about as safe as telling a complete stranger that you are alone and where you will be staying for the next three days.   

The thing is, when I fly, I have two rules:

1.       Don’t talk to me.

2.       Don’t touch me.

They are simple rules and should be simple to follow.  To emphasize the rules, I always wear headphones, have a book in my hand and sit by the window.  I expect to be spoken to by one person and that is the flight attendant who brings me my snacks.  But the majority of the time, I don’t know why I even bother.  I always end up engrossed in conversation with the closest weirdo. 

C: Bane of my existence

HGTV: Bane of my existence. I was happy but then back in the hey-day of 'Trading Spaces', early Oh's I discovered this concept of TV geared towards "home improvement". And I, like America, became obsessed. Now, I have weened myself off the drug that is HGTV but every once in awhile they pull me back in.

Like every February when they tease me with their supposed Dream House. I like to say that I don't desperately want that house but the fact is that I seriously do. Even though the decorating is that kind of crappy, 'matchy but not matchy' Southern Living look, I so want it. And then, every February, I spend the whole month hating my house and looking for inspiration

So here are some of the things that I hate (slash love):

• My House is Worth What: I love the host's hair but find the show generally depressing these days plus I cannot tolerate the long dramatic pauses

• Divine Design: I love Candice - she is genius...but her man-servants get on my last nerve...I especially abhor Chico. Plus she is Canadian...a future blog will explain that love/hate relationship....I don't have that kind of time.

• Carter Oosterhouse: Carter is my arch enemy. He is entirely too handsome and annoying...which is an overly common combination. I loathe how he pretends to have actual carpentry skills and care about the environment. I bet he uses toxic hair products - no one's hair looks that good naturally....hypocrite.

• House Hunters: Though this show is shockingly addictive, I do not understand how they manage to find the most truly annoying house hunters on the planet. Though on the flipside, I always end up feeling better about myself when watching.

• Domino Magazine: Okay...no tie to HGTV that I know of, but I do love/hate Domino. I basically love everything about this magazine but hate that I can never pull off anything like they do; even if I copied it exactly, I am just not hip enough to make it work, so it is just a monthly tease. 

Stupid Dream House; the logical solution would be to stop watching to lower my standards but I won't...instead I will just keep entering the contest year after year and accept my fate to live in a fairly non-dreamy house.

A: Apoca-crap, part 2

Ahhh---the Apocalypse.  Caitlyn speaks the truth…I am fascinated by how one survives in a post apocalyptic world.  And really, the apocalypse can be anything:  war, alien invasion, climate changes, plagues.  My interest lies less in the event and more in the survival tips.  I was raised with zero survival skills so it’s amazing to me to read how others seem to manage.  I have no idea which plants are edible and which ones are not.  My mom did such a good job instilling a fear of fire in me that to this day, I can barely light a match.   And to me, camping is staying at an ‘Inn’ as in Fairfield or Hampton Inn. 

So as you can see, it’s very unlikely that I will make it more than a week or two.  Knowing that, I feel like I should pass on what I’ve learned from my extensive research with those of you who have a shot at survival but lack a plan.

 

1. There is no such thing as too many canned goods.  Seriously.  You cannot own enough. Stock up.  And be sure to own a manual can opener.  Eventually, your canned goods will run out, but it’s important to horde in the beginning.   Survival of the fittest is now your reality.

2. Prepare to be cold.  I don’t know why, but everything I’ve read about the apocalypse is that it is going to be cold.  Think heavy layers and wood burning stoves.  I like to use seat warmers in the summer, so if the lack of clean water doesn’t kill me, this definitely will.

3. In the event of a man-made disaster, like a pandemic or a nuclear attack, you’ll want to be in a rural location, preferably near a mineral rich area like a salt mine.  Even after watching two seasons of Jericho, I still don’t know why your body needs sodium or how you use salt to cure meat.  But, I do know that you can trade stuff for it, like wind turbines. 

4. In the event of a climate related disaster, head straight for the city.  Once the climate goes, so will the sun and our food sources will stop producing.  At this point, you will be completely dependent on government stock piles of food.   Consider southern cities like Austin or Phoenix and be prepared to wait in line.

5. Align yourself with a teenager.  Let’s face it… now that civilization as we know it will no longer exist, you can kiss goodbye the days of living into your 80s.  You’ll need to align yourself with the young and healthy (see  point 1 above).   Think of the lost boys of
Sudan.   If they had adult supervision, they might not have made it out.

So, if you are ready to join the paranoia, here’s a list of my favorite dooms day books:

Hunger games by Suzanne Collins

Life as we knew it by Susan Beth Pfeffer

The dead and the gone by Susan Beth Pfeffer

City of Ember by Jeanne Duprau

The Host by Stephanie Meyer

Blindness by Jose Saramago

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

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C: Apoca-crap

So I was intrigued by the cover of my husband's Men's Vogue (yes, there is apparently a Men's version of Vogue) and (yes, apparently my husband finds it acceptable for straight, married men with children to read Men's Vogue). The cover advertised an article titled "Apocalypse Boot Camp". I was giddy.

It has become an increasing worry of mine that we are on the brink of Apocalypse and I am completely unprepared. This worry is mostly spurred by the fact that my good pal Amy (coauthor of this blog) seems to exclusively read books describing (1) the end of the earth or (2) what happens after all hell breaks loose. Since I live my literary life vicariously through her due to my unfortunate lack of free time, I find myself constantly thinking about what to do in an Apocalypse (I like capitalizing it to ensure that "it" does not think I am not showing due respect so that "it" does not unleash itself) - try this book for starters.

The article exposed what I had suspected all along: I'm a total goner. Apparently you should do the following to remain prepared for the (drumroll please)....APOCALYPSE:

• You need to make like the Mormons and stash major amounts of non-perishable food and water. Good news for me is that I already consume half of my meals in a bar form so I just need to stock up on more Luna bars.
• Chlorineis a good chemical to have on hand in copious amounts to sterilize questionable water...and post-apocalypse, it will all be questionable water. Drive thee to the nearest pool supply store pronto.
• Cash is critical. Liquefy some of your 3 months stash now that the financial world has gone all amok. Apparently mattress-stashing is all the rage, but I am thinking that a fire-proof, super-secure safe might be a better bet. This one I will struggle with - I have trained myself to carry only an Amex.....ah, Amex, how I will miss you post-Apocalypse....you make me so happy.
• Location, Location, Location...specifically you need options. Living near a major city may have perks now but rural, secluded land near a natural water supply is going to be the new "it" area code. But not too close to the ocean and avoid Florida entirely. Middle-of-nowhere Nebraska would be perfect.
• Read up on Ted Nugentand learn how to stock up and use weapons. Post-Apocalyptic times will be really violent and you need to arm up. That being said, I plan to ignore my own advice except that I may splurge on a nicer paring knife.

So, the readers digest version of post-Apocalypse living is that life will really suck beyond belief and the most important way to prepare yourself is to lower your expectations and stock up on mad quantities of anti-depressants to get through it. Getting through it is crucial because right now the only people with survival skills are crazy nutsos like the unibomber, Bear Grylls and Dwight Schrute. That is some frightening DNA to create the next generation, so we need some of us regular people to learn how to survive for the sake of humanity.

C: Sunny Days...

So I have been spending a lot of time watching The Street these days...you know, Sesame Street. Yep, my life is fabulous. But after a 25+ year gap, I find it completely fascinating.

• I find it completely fascinating that kids can tolerate Elmo, who is clearly the spawn of Satan sent to destroy all eardrums
• I find it completely fascinating that the writers thought that "glockenspiel" was a good "word for the day"....out of all the words a preschooler should be mastering? My kid cannot say "blankie" and they are suggesting he try "glockenspiel"? I guarantee those writers totally got beat up in preschool. And the worst part of it is that now I know what a damn glockenspiel is and I'm fairly certain that knowledge replaced something really important in my limited brain space.
• I find it completely fascinating that Prairie Dawn still has that wretched haircut - some people cannot pull off bangs.
• I find it completely fascinating that Chris Brown did not get a Grammy nod with the song "See the Signs"...it has been in my head for 2 weeks and I am still not annoyed! I can only assume that the Recording Academy does not, as a collective group, consist of large amounts of 2 year olds. 
• I find it completely fascinating that I did not hear about this at the office water cooler - seriously the best TV I have seen in YEARS: check it here.

Just when you think they have lost their appeal, they pull you pack in. I can't wait to see what they come up with in another 25 years! You know, when I'm 35.