These are my dress clothes

C: Version 2.0 - Bigger and Better

We here at These are my dress clothes take constructive criticism very seriously. We have had a few requests from readers (okay, the plural is maybe just a bit of an overstatement) to make some changes to the blog. Specifically, we will now:

1. Indicate which one of use wrote the blog - I added an 'A' for Amy and 'C' for Caitlyn in front of each blog title. I like that it makes me feel like I'm in the cast of gossip girl using only first initials as a name.

2. Actually write some blogs - apparently this is step one to blogging

Now, I would like to offer up a laundry list of excuses as to why we have been so delinquent as of late. I'll let Amy explain her own adventures, but as for me, I would like to submit the following:

1. So You Think You Can Dance is on at least 4 hours a week: how am I supposed to just ignore that? How would I know what Cat was wearing? How could I live without my weekly fix of Mary Murphy's botoxed face screeching like a banshee? 
2. True Blood is back on: This absorbs about 5 hours a week since I cannot figure that show out. Why do so many people in po-dunk Louisiana have odd, special powers? Why did that one woman have a giant pig? Why does Sookie wear such short shorts all year round? Doesn't she get cold ever?
3. I started reading this crazy-good YA Lit series by Scott Westerfeld : post-apocalyptic, teen-focused, cool gadgets, everything a girl could want
4. My body is rejecting the aging process: this summer I turn 30 and it isn't going that well. Thus far I have somehow injured my rotator cuff (it wasn't pitching 90-mile an hour fastballs...I wasn't actually aware you could injure your shoulder in any other way) and I have completely knocked my jaw out of place and can no longer bite down on one side due to stress (my dentist claims I must be clenching my teeth at night....which has dire consequences)....dealing with injuries takes up a lot of time
5. And work

See, I had good reasons....don't be a hater.

C: Whack-a-mole

The reason this post is so late-coming is that I've been struggling with 'work-life balance' as of late. And by 'balance' I mean that I've been working non-stop and thus my life has sucked. Work-life balance is touted as the holy grail for working parents. Some land of milk and honey that is attainable for everyone if you just try hard enough and prioritize correctly. It is the modern American Dream: happy kids, happy spouse, engaging career, oh my!

Here's the deal: it is total bullshit (sorry for the cursing, Mom). There is no way to have a perfect career (i.e. not a JOB) and have a perfect home. Completely IMPOSSIBLE. In my 2 years of extensive research: reading blogs, news articles, attending women leadership seminars, mentoring programs, Covey this and Covey that, reading books, bitching with coworkers....etc, I have yet to find any clue as to how to do this right and maintain a real 'balance' of happy work and happy home lives. In fact, I am getting worse at it as I go along.

Here is why: the better you are at work - the more they will pull you to work; the better you are as a parent/spouse - the more they will pull you to home. It is easiest to see in the workplace - the best worker in the office is always the busiest - not because they are inefficient; quite the opposite actually, because he/she is soooo efficient! Home is the same way - kids are never satisfied with just a little quality time and the more fun you are, the more time they want.

The only glimmer of hope that I have gleamed is that the key to it all is to lower your expectations and to eliminate all feelings of guilt. People will tell you all the time "just prioritize and learn to say no". What they do not tell you is how to say no and not feel the guilt. And I'm not just talking about work....learning to say no to your kid and not feel guilty is definitely a zen-master-level skill. A mentor once told me that all that matters is that you can look yourself in the eye at the end of every single day and be okay with the choices you made - not ecstatic, not fully satisfied, but just plain 'okay'. That is the key - making 'okay' better than just 'okay' to you.

Given that no one has ever managed to give me any clue as to how to achieve this, I have devised a strategy of my own: live life like whack-a-mole. So, here's the deal: no one is good at whack-a-mole. Except maybe those freakish carnies that run the game. The only way you have a chance at the flea-infested pink teddy bear prize is to focus on 2, maybe 3 holes and whack like mad. If you try to cover the whole playing field, it will be a miracle if you score a single point. But you have to really, really focus and commit to the plan or you will end up straying to the other holes and dying a sad death as the game beats you down. If you really, really focus on the 2-3 holes and completely IGNORE the other holes, then you have a small chance at success. You just have to remember every single second of the day that by focusing on the 2-3 goals in life you are winning the game.

Yes, I just used a lame sports/game metaphor, but given that you are going to need to explain this to your boss/coworkers when you say 'no' over and over again....you need to use language they can relate to and we all know that everyone in the working world understands sports/games metaphors.

Oh and in case you want more sources to read [yes, you should check out the links above!!!] - here are a few more good ones that in no way give you an actual plan to improve your life, but are inspiring in some regard:

• The Other 90 Percent
• Work Sucks
• The Juggle
• Getting Things Done

C: I'm a big, fat lame-O

Sometimes it takes an outside opinion to show you that need to make a change.

Like when Amazon sends you an email stating:

"As a fan of paranormal teen fiction, you may like this new book."

A fan of paranormal teen fiction? It sounds so harsh when you say it out loud. So I like YA lit, so what?! Amazon has no right to judge me...did they really have to use the word "paranormal"? It sounds so creepy.

Then, I get a call from Amy letting me know that our favorite magazine, Domino, had been canceled and replaced with Glamour.

Sure enough, I look in my mailbox and find the following statement from Domino:

"With regret, we have decided that we will no longer be publishing Domino. In its place, we will be sending you Cookie....."

WTF?!?! Amy gets Glamour and I get Cookie? That is clearly zip-code profiling. Just b/c Amy lives in some posh, up-and-coming, "transitional", city neighborhood and I live in the burbs DOES NOT mean that I should be treated as a Cookie-reader!

I mean, sure, I shop at Super Wal*mart (who doesn't want to save money and live better!), go to bed before 9pm on most nights (I don't want to look old), love CBS (How I Met Your Mother is completely hilarious) and a good cake-mix recipe but as God as my witness I will NOT become a Cookie-subscriber!

A: Persuasion, not just a Jane Austen novel

I like getting what I want.  I really like it. On a scale of one to ten of things that make me happy (with one being the nightly news and ten being a basket full of puppies), getting what I want is about a 9.5 on the happiness scale.  Maybe it has something to do with the middle child syndrome, or maybe I’m just a two year old at heart.  Either way, I’m happiest when things go exactly how I want it. 

Now getting what I want is not so easy and doesn’t happen nearly as often as I would like.  For instance, I really want my family to have a normal Thanksgiving where we eat dinner at 6pm at a table.  The turkey is delivered cooked by Whole Foods and the sweet potato soufflé has pecans instead of marshmallows.  Does this ever happen?  No.  But I’m not giving up.  Recently, I’ve realized that it is not my family who keeps me from having the perfect Thanksgiving or whatever else it is I want at the time, but rather the fact that I am just not as persuasive as I need to be for a girl who likes to get her way.  I’ve started doing some reading on this subject and there’s some good tips out there that I am willing to share – however, let it be known that if you try to use any of these tips on me – I’ll see right through your game.

1.       The first tip I’ve already mastered.  Become an island.  I live by myself and I work by myself which means I have basically eliminated all the factors in life that make you compromise (and by factors I mean people).  Think about it - I never have to share my Netflix queue or fight over the remote and I can paint my entire house purple if I want.  As for work, I get to do the work I want to do and I outsource the rest.  It’s great. 

2.       The second tip is something I’ve learned from working and living in a male dominated world.  Instead of asking for what you want, ask for something that puts you in the situation you need to get what you want.  I know that doesn’t make sense so think about what men do.  When a guy asks a woman out for drinks is it really to get to know her better?  No.  And thus the genius of their persuasion.  You don’t ask for what you want.  Ask for something that leads you to what you want. Now this is something that most women are incapable of doing.  So, if you are female and following this advice, I turn to my career coach, Tim Ferriss and his advice in The 4 hour Work Week.  Make a request and follow it by, “Is this reasonable?”  It’s really hard for people to say no that’s not reasonable and you are one step closer to getting what you want.

3.       Tip three: mirror the behavior of the person you are trying to persuade.  According to one of my favorite books about persuasion, Yes! 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to be Persuasive “Behavior mirroring  will led to increased trust, and that increased trust typically leads one negotiator to feel comfortable disclosing details that were ultimately necessary to break a stalemate and create a win-win situation for both parties”.   So the next time you are negotiating one-on-one and the person is sitting with their legs crossed, you should cross your legs.   If she is holding a pen in her hand, you should too.  What if she drinks a glass of water, that’s right – drink one too.  If you don’t think this will work, try yawning in a room of people and see how many follow.

4.       Tip four is another one that has do to with human nature and the fact that we are all followers.  If you decide what you want and just go forward with your plan, most people will follow.  Let’s face it, we are generally a lazy bunch and when given a clear path, we tend to go with the flow.  So the next time you want something, just start taking action and people will follow.  I actually spent New Year ’s Eve at a bowl game because I was just happy that I didn’t have to make a plan.  And by the way, football would be equivalent to the nightly news on my scale of things that make me happy.

5.       The final tip is to figure out how to be funny.  Being  funny makes you likable and we all want to please people we like.  If you are completely incapable of being funny, than do something that makes people think you are fun like go to a concert or make fun foods like cupcakes.  That way if people cannot see you as funny, they will at least see you as fun-ish.

A: Apoca-crap, part 2

Ahhh---the Apocalypse.  Caitlyn speaks the truth…I am fascinated by how one survives in a post apocalyptic world.  And really, the apocalypse can be anything:  war, alien invasion, climate changes, plagues.  My interest lies less in the event and more in the survival tips.  I was raised with zero survival skills so it’s amazing to me to read how others seem to manage.  I have no idea which plants are edible and which ones are not.  My mom did such a good job instilling a fear of fire in me that to this day, I can barely light a match.   And to me, camping is staying at an ‘Inn’ as in Fairfield or Hampton Inn. 

So as you can see, it’s very unlikely that I will make it more than a week or two.  Knowing that, I feel like I should pass on what I’ve learned from my extensive research with those of you who have a shot at survival but lack a plan.

 

1. There is no such thing as too many canned goods.  Seriously.  You cannot own enough. Stock up.  And be sure to own a manual can opener.  Eventually, your canned goods will run out, but it’s important to horde in the beginning.   Survival of the fittest is now your reality.

2. Prepare to be cold.  I don’t know why, but everything I’ve read about the apocalypse is that it is going to be cold.  Think heavy layers and wood burning stoves.  I like to use seat warmers in the summer, so if the lack of clean water doesn’t kill me, this definitely will.

3. In the event of a man-made disaster, like a pandemic or a nuclear attack, you’ll want to be in a rural location, preferably near a mineral rich area like a salt mine.  Even after watching two seasons of Jericho, I still don’t know why your body needs sodium or how you use salt to cure meat.  But, I do know that you can trade stuff for it, like wind turbines. 

4. In the event of a climate related disaster, head straight for the city.  Once the climate goes, so will the sun and our food sources will stop producing.  At this point, you will be completely dependent on government stock piles of food.   Consider southern cities like Austin or Phoenix and be prepared to wait in line.

5. Align yourself with a teenager.  Let’s face it… now that civilization as we know it will no longer exist, you can kiss goodbye the days of living into your 80s.  You’ll need to align yourself with the young and healthy (see  point 1 above).   Think of the lost boys of
Sudan.   If they had adult supervision, they might not have made it out.

So, if you are ready to join the paranoia, here’s a list of my favorite dooms day books:

Hunger games by Suzanne Collins

Life as we knew it by Susan Beth Pfeffer

The dead and the gone by Susan Beth Pfeffer

City of Ember by Jeanne Duprau

The Host by Stephanie Meyer

Blindness by Jose Saramago

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Related Post
Apoca-crap
Top 5 books to read after Twilight

A: Where will all the grownups go?

I talked to JJ (pseudo-name for my brother) last night about this blog.  He read it for the first time and his comment was,“it’s like you are a 14 year old”. His second comment was, “that’s not an insult, just an observation”.

Now, I know being a kid is a whole lot less fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, but I can’t see how this could be an insult?  Recently, I was trading cd’s with my 10 year old cousin who stated simply, "you and I have a lot in common".  So after that, 14 is a big step up.  What makes JJ’s comment interesting to me is that clearly he is in complete denial that there is no longer a generational gap between 30 year olds and teenagers.  We all, on some level, are in touch with our inner 14 year old.  It’s a phenomenon unique to the times and we will all be better off if we can stop living in denial and embrace the peter pan syndrome that is sweeping the nation.   

Many of you are in denial like JJ.  Think about it…

Do you still walk around with your ipod buds in your ears? 

How many of you can’t get enough Wii? 

Do you ever wear jean’s to work?  

How many friend’s do you have on Facebook? 

What’s the most you’ve spent on a pair of jeans that look like they’ve been worn in? 

Who hasn’t read either Harry Potter or Twilight and thought this is the best book I’ve ever read? 

Do you love new stuff like HDTVs, touch phones and anything Apple? 

Face it….you're just like a teenager, but with more discretionary funds. This is not a personal theory.  Books have been published about it.  And New York Magazine even wrote a feature article about it where the author termed a new phrase for it, “grups”.  One of the biggest distinguishing features of a grup is that the parents of grups would trade a pay day for a vacation day any day.  What impresses a “grup” is someone in their 30s who can still sleep in on a week day.  I can vouch for this.  I am self employed and the comment I get most frequently from people is not about my earning potential but rather how lucky I am that I can work at will and travel freely. 

Now why does any of this matter?  Because it’s time to pick a side.  With the number of grownups who absolutely refuse to grow up increasing every year, you need to think about where you want to end up.  Do you want to be one of those people who own more pairs of khaki’s than you do jeans and just can’t understand what’s the big deal with the Jonas Brothers?  Or would you rather be the kind of grown up who goes shopping with your kid at H&M and can explain that the reason the Jonas Brother’s are so popular is because they remind everybody of the evolution of Tom Hanks?  

So what should you do to please your inner 14 year old?

• Go to itunes and download Britney’s new CD
• Vote in the next round of American Idol
• Take your kids to Starbucks
• Hang out in the YA section of the bookstore

Not only will you find yourself more satisfied with life, you also be more prepared to face the future of American culture.

A: Actually, no

We’ve advised you on music to listen to, books to read and activities to fill your life with happiness.  Now it’s time to help you with your career. By many standards, we’ve had success in our professional lives.  We’ve climbed the proverbial ladder and earn respectable livings.  Want to know the secret to our success?  Defiance.  Yep, it’s that simple.   Management respects defiance. Always.   How do you start incorporating defiance into your work life?  Glad you asked.  Here are some simple steps:

•  Start perceiving everyone as a coworker whether they are your boss or not. Remember this is American and there is no such thing as indentured servitude.   

• When you are right and someone else is wrong, you should say it.  You probably know more than you give yourself credit for.

• When you have a good idea, you should make it happen.  Even if it’s not your job.  Even if no one else supports you.    

• If a coworker (including your boss) is being a bully, refuse to put up with it.   Period.

•  No manager worth working for wants a yes girl.  So, go to work, learn how to do your job well and then start saying no.  

 Saying no is the best place to start your new defiant you.   It’s super fun. And super effective.  You should try it.  Start slow.  Once a week, say no to your boss.  It really works.  Even CNN agrees. And its such an important topic that Forbes has featured a series of saying no at work...in pictures.  Check it out here.

Think about kids.  One of the first words kids learn is always ‘no’.  Kids innately understand they need to be defiant to get what they want in life.  Most times, they say ‘no’ even when they don’t mean it. They recognize they have a will and they want to exercise it.  Because it’s fun and its normal.  Of course, over the next 18 years, kids learn to be obedient in order to be successful in school.  Well, now you are an adult and no one is stopping you from saying ‘no’ except yourself. The mentality of obedience that made you successful in schoolrooms will not take you far in corporate America. 

Now for the obligatory disclaimer.  Don’t get carried away.  We are not advising you to show up to work two hours late or just be rude at the office.  What we advise is to not fear authority.  When you resist it on a regular basis, people will start to perceive you as a decision maker and a leader.  Being a leader results in financial payoffs and more freedom at work.  And at the end of the day, if we can’t be one of the fortunate souls who are independently wealthy, we can at least strive for a job that affords us more independence and money.

C: I am just cheerleading

In these harsh times, it is important to find ways to make yourself happy.Shopping is the most surefire method, but since we are all basically on the brink of economic demise, here are some cheaper options:

• Listen to Dave Ramsey - his callers are all idiots and even 10 minutes of listening will lead to a euphoric sense of satisfaction about your own financial state
• Watch a dance show (celebrity participation is optional) - you will feel inspired to take up dance lessons, which you will not actually do, but the inspiration alone releases endorphins akin to running a marathon....which is, of course, the magic of tv
• Read some YA-lit - the genius of books written for children is that they are not trying too hard to impress; kids are too smart to waste 3 hours of their life reading a book Oprah recommends, so YA-lit is actually interesting
• Read a mundane blog - I have a friend who combats a stressful, high-powered job as a corporate lawyer by reading the blog of a girl she knew in high school. They were not friends, but reading about this woman's daily trip to Chic-fil-A and her kids' craft projects is incredibly soothing.
• Speaking of high school, check out your hometown newspaper's arrested column (here's mine) - reading about the misfortune of people you knew long ago is sure to raise your spirits b/c (a) you moved away from home and they didn't and (b) you are not in jail....unless, of course, you are....in which case - sucks to be you. But on the upside, if you are in your hometown jail then you won't have to do much to get happier.
• Trim your split ends while on conference calls - the fact that you are both improving the quality of your hair AND brilliantly multi-tasking at work is both promotion-worthy AND endorphins-inducing
• Eat a gigantic bowl of Lucky Charms - no need for explanation.....separating out the purple horseshoe marshmallows is pure bliss - straight up.

A: Top 5 books to read after Twilight

There comes a time in everyone's life (sooner for some than others) when one graduates from Adult novels to Young Adult lit.  Thanks to the Twilight series, many of you have recently reached this milestone and find yourselves wondering where to go next. Well let us start by saying that there is nowhere to go from Twilight except down, so set your expectations low.  With that said, we do have some excellent Twilight runner-ups that will get you through the lull until the next SM publication.

1. Harry Potter series by J.K. Rollings. For those of you who passed on Potter because you thought you weren't interested in wizard stories…well, just like you thought you weren't interested in vampire stories…you really are.   So just read it.
2. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - So good.  Imagine Gladiators except change the time frame from the past to the future, replace the grown men with children and insert Mulan for Russell Crowe.  But we warn you now, it’s the first book in the series, so if you start now, you'll have to wait until next fall for the sequel, Catching Fire.
3. The Goose Girl series by Shannon Hale.   A retelling of Grimm's Goose Girl fairy tale.  It's a period piece trilogy with a super-likable female protagonist.  Of course, we've never read the original Goose Girl, but surely it can't be better than this version. 
4. House of Night series by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast.  Like most of the books on this list, the main character fits the archetype female protagonist with special powers who lives in a far away land called Oklahoma.  Its hard to imagine anything interesting taking place in Oklahoma, but the Cast family manages to make it work.  Currently, there are four books published but the fifth is being released in March '09. 
5. Graceling by Kristin Cashore. I'm sure you're thinking…Really?  Another story about a young adult 'graced' with special powers who lives in a magical kingdom?  Well this one is  different...these 'graced' kids are marked with mismatched irises.  Totally distinguishes the story from the rest.

Coming soon, our top pics for books in other categories such as 'post apocalyptic times', 'boarding schools' and 'books that if were made into movies would star, Alexis Bledel and Tom Welling'.