These are my dress clothes

A: First nomination for most annoying person of 2009

I am going on record and officially nominating Matt Lauer for one of the most annoying people of 2009.

In life, there is one and only one thing that I agree with Tom Cruise about and that is that Matt Lauer is a “glib putz”.  In general, I am a Good Morning America fan but sometimes I’m really lazy in the morning all day and the effort it would take to find the remote and change the channel from NBC to ABC before the Today show starts is just more than I can handle.  On those days, I find myself nauseated by the uber annoying Matt Lauer. 

He’s so ridiculous.    The most annoying thing about Matt Lauer is how he can barely tolerate his own annoyance with his co-hosts.  He is also seriously incapable of keeping his opinions to himself.  And, I swear his journalism skills are on par with a two year old.  My niece is three and she is better at asking questions than Matt.  When she asks questions they are of two varieties.  It’s either the classic, “Why?” or the more theological questions of, “What are you talking about?”  I think I’d like Matt a whole lot more if he’d stick to her script instead of insisting on being the world’s most emotional interviewer in the history of interviewers.  In my personal opinion, the epitome of his career would be his ground breaking interview with Britney Spears where he judged her parenting skills during a prime time special.  Wow, Matt – thanks for breaking that story. 

So just when I thought Matt Lauer could not annoy me anymore than he already does, the Today show announces they are canceling “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” and replacing it with Matt Lauer’s exploration of the US and affordable domestic vacation spots.  Apparently, the network thinks that it will be in bad taste to explore the world given the current economic conditions and that by traveling locally, more people will be able to relate to Matt. While I appreciate the fact that this will mean that I do not have to watch any of the annoying promotional material NBC creates for the where in the world series for the next month, I’m fairly annoyed by this stunt.  Why would anyone want to relate to Matt Lauer?

Clearly, I’ve thought about this a lot and I think Matt and Anderson Cooper suffer from the same problem, they left the life of real reporting in the field for a cushy job in the city and now spend their days reporting about sleep walking dogs and performing rhythmic dance.  Believe me, I know there are times in your life where you are going to have to do ridiculous things for money.  For instance, one time I had to attend a teletubby themed birthday party for a 40 year old client who was obsessed with the dolls and another time I had to drive my boss to her doctor after she came to the office claiming she had an out of body experience when she switched her DayQuil with her NyQuil.  But those were isolated events.  For Matt, every day  of his career is a teletubby themed birthday party. 

A: Negotiate like it's 2009

There is a lot of advice out there about what not to do when negotiating, like don’t show your emotions, or be willing to walk away, but honestly, that’s crap.  I mean really, if you need to do research to learn this, than you are going to need a lot more help than you can find on the internet.  So instead of stating the obvious, I am going to share some tips on what to do when negotiating so you will be on the win side of the win-lose scenario.

The first thing you need to do is be realistic.  You need to figure out if you are really in the position to negotiate versus being in the position to ask because there will be a big difference in your approach.  For instance, I love my Comcast HD Cable TV/DVR recording device.   I love it like Canadians love to quiz Americans about North American geography.  I can try to negotiate with Comcast for six free months at a reduced rate by threatening to cancel my service but when the fact is that I’d rather sell my house than live without cable, I can only ask and try to persuade my sales rep.  Being persuasive is an important life skill but it should not be thought of as negotiating. 

So to start with, you need to figure out if what you really care about is money or not.  If it turns out you have particular taste and money is not the most important thing, read this for advice on persuasion.  If by chance, all you really care about is money, then you are ready to negotiate. 

It's no secret it’s a buyers market.  Thanks to the fact that businesses did a terrible job forecasting how the current economic conditions would affect sales, there has become a surplus in goods (and unfortunately people) in the market place.  Consumers are getting homes, cars and all other sorts of goods for dirt cheap while employers are reaping the benefit of a surplus of qualified employees  by hiring them up at the lowest price possible.

So how do you negotiate in a buyers market?  You only need one thing, patience. 

Now, if you know me, you are probably laughing at loud because I do not have a patient bone in my body.   I, like most Americans, have the patience of a two year old.  I love instant gratification and I hate waiting.  I hate waiting a week for the next episode of Lost.  I hate waiting in line because someone decided to pay by check.   I even hate that you have to wait a year to buy girl scout cookies. In pretty much every situation, I would say there is nothing wrong with wanting the instant gratification you get from living in an Ondemand world.  However, when it comes to negotiations, saving money can easily takes a back seat to instant gratification.  So to be good at it, you have to be willing to invest your time if you want a specific monetary result.

So, when negotiating for more money with your future employer or for a cheaper price on your new car, the only trick you need to know is to kill them with patience.  The party that is more flexible with the amount of time they are willing to put in a deal will have the upper hand.  If you don’t appear rushed, the other person will be unable to pressure you into making bad decisions.  She will start to show you her hand and this is where you can look for ways to exploit her situation to your advantage. 

To put this in practice, here are two examples

1.       Employers only hire new employees because they assume it will help their bottom line.  If you get a job offer, you’ve convinced them you are the best person out there and the company will benefit in some way from you joining the team.  Now you have the upper hand so you can decide what your market value is.  Hiring employees is typically a long expensive process for companies.  It is generally worth it for a company to pay you a little more instead of spending the time to hire someone else.  So never be afraid to ask for more.  No one wants to leave money sitting on the table.  Be patient and you'll be surprised how readily it will be handed over.

2.       Same goes for negotiating purchases.  How long would you be willing to wait to save a $1000?  A dealership will spend hours with you to make an additional $500 profit. If you really care about money, forget hours and think of it more long term.  Make the offer you want and wait until the dealer needs the sale.  Maybe it is a couple of days or a few weeks, but they will call back.  They always do.

Of course there are other things you can do to improve your negotiating skills.  One thing that  comes to mind is that you should never accept 'no' from someone in the position to say 'yes'.  Also, concessions should be two ways.  If you give in, make sure the other party gives up something too.  But honestly, you don’t need me to tell you this.  You were smart enough to read this blog, so you are smart enough to be a good negotiator.  You just need to give yourself more time.

A: Amy’s plan to save the economy from ourselves

I ran across this CNN poll  that stated the following:

·         Nearly eight in 10 Americas say things are going badly in the country

·         Three out of four questioned say that things are going well for them personally

 Huh?  This made me think about the media, self fulfilling prophecies and how collectively, we are idiots. So here is my plan to save the economy from ourselves...

1.       Stop talking about the economy.  To start with, it’s boring.  And, it’s fruitless.  Commenting on the economy is like commenting on Jessica Simpson’s weight gain.  The more we talk about it, the bigger the story gets.   Plus, if you say something enough times, you start to believe it even if it is not true (see CNN poll above).

2.       Stop buying stocks.  We all like to say we have a high risk tolerance but that’s a lie.  So, stop putting your money in companies you know nothing about.  Today I heard these stats on Good Morning America: 

·         New York Times Co. shares have fallen from $24.27 to $3.95, cheaper than the $4 cost of its Sunday edition.

·         General Electric Co. shares fell from $30.30 to $9.08, cheaper than a GE two-slice bagel toaster at Wal-Mart, selling Tuesday for clearance price of $12.

·         Office Depot is down from $38.27 to $1.26, less than a 12-pack of medium point Papermate BallPoint Stick Pens that run $1.89.

·         US Airways has fallen from $53.89 to $3.66, less than the current $4 cost of two in-flight coffees

Instead of investing in large publicly traded companies, become an angel investor in a small business.  Now is a great time to start a business.   Trader Joes, MTV, Wikipedia and IHOP all did it during tough economic times.  

3.       Start having more kids. Declining populations and declining economies go hand-in-hand.  Americans are not reproducing at a rate to support the people who are already here.  Plus, our leaders keep encouraging us to spend to save the economy but people are scared to spend, so the money is not being re-circulated.  Here is where kids come in.  Kids are money pits.  Even if you want to save, they always need more and more.  So, if more people were procreating like Nadya Suleman, octo-mom and using the internet to generate income for themselves, we’d be putting money back into the economy now with the added bonus of ensuring there are enough future tax payers around to support us in our old age.  It’s like killing two birds with one stone.    

A: Preparing for tough economic times

I’m not going to sugar coat it – times are tough.  The economy is recessed and companies are canning people right and left. In tough times, it pays to stretch a dollar as far as you can.  With that being said, today and tomorrow should be your biggest shopping days of the year.  Discounted V-day chocolate is flying off the shelves at your neighborhood drugstore and if you are financially savvy, you’ll stock up now.  Two to three days after V-day is the best time to buy.  Prices are as low as 75% off.  Of course Easter will bring a new round of chocolate, but do you really have enough to get you through till then?  If you have to think about it – the answer is no.

One of my biggest finds this year is the Junior Mints Valentine’s day box.  It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it’s heart shape, it's delicious!

Another good one is the Russell Stover’s 12 oz truffle assortment.  There is no time to debate milk versus dark chocolate people.  It melts in your mouth and its 75% off at Walgreen’s right now.

Perhaps you are not a chocolate person. Don’t worry, there’s a surplus of Brach’s (who I like a lot more now that he’s president) heart candies for those of you who need the instant sugar and a little conversation.

And while they are not technically Valentine’s day candy, sour patch kids should always be on your watch list.  I love sour patch kids like normal women love real kids.  They’re just so soft and chewy and sour than sweet. I can’t get enough.

A: Apoca-crap, part 2

Ahhh---the Apocalypse.  Caitlyn speaks the truth…I am fascinated by how one survives in a post apocalyptic world.  And really, the apocalypse can be anything:  war, alien invasion, climate changes, plagues.  My interest lies less in the event and more in the survival tips.  I was raised with zero survival skills so it’s amazing to me to read how others seem to manage.  I have no idea which plants are edible and which ones are not.  My mom did such a good job instilling a fear of fire in me that to this day, I can barely light a match.   And to me, camping is staying at an ‘Inn’ as in Fairfield or Hampton Inn. 

So as you can see, it’s very unlikely that I will make it more than a week or two.  Knowing that, I feel like I should pass on what I’ve learned from my extensive research with those of you who have a shot at survival but lack a plan.

 

1. There is no such thing as too many canned goods.  Seriously.  You cannot own enough. Stock up.  And be sure to own a manual can opener.  Eventually, your canned goods will run out, but it’s important to horde in the beginning.   Survival of the fittest is now your reality.

2. Prepare to be cold.  I don’t know why, but everything I’ve read about the apocalypse is that it is going to be cold.  Think heavy layers and wood burning stoves.  I like to use seat warmers in the summer, so if the lack of clean water doesn’t kill me, this definitely will.

3. In the event of a man-made disaster, like a pandemic or a nuclear attack, you’ll want to be in a rural location, preferably near a mineral rich area like a salt mine.  Even after watching two seasons of Jericho, I still don’t know why your body needs sodium or how you use salt to cure meat.  But, I do know that you can trade stuff for it, like wind turbines. 

4. In the event of a climate related disaster, head straight for the city.  Once the climate goes, so will the sun and our food sources will stop producing.  At this point, you will be completely dependent on government stock piles of food.   Consider southern cities like Austin or Phoenix and be prepared to wait in line.

5. Align yourself with a teenager.  Let’s face it… now that civilization as we know it will no longer exist, you can kiss goodbye the days of living into your 80s.  You’ll need to align yourself with the young and healthy (see  point 1 above).   Think of the lost boys of
Sudan.   If they had adult supervision, they might not have made it out.

So, if you are ready to join the paranoia, here’s a list of my favorite dooms day books:

Hunger games by Suzanne Collins

Life as we knew it by Susan Beth Pfeffer

The dead and the gone by Susan Beth Pfeffer

City of Ember by Jeanne Duprau

The Host by Stephanie Meyer

Blindness by Jose Saramago

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Related Post
Apoca-crap
Top 5 books to read after Twilight

C: Apoca-crap

So I was intrigued by the cover of my husband's Men's Vogue (yes, there is apparently a Men's version of Vogue) and (yes, apparently my husband finds it acceptable for straight, married men with children to read Men's Vogue). The cover advertised an article titled "Apocalypse Boot Camp". I was giddy.

It has become an increasing worry of mine that we are on the brink of Apocalypse and I am completely unprepared. This worry is mostly spurred by the fact that my good pal Amy (coauthor of this blog) seems to exclusively read books describing (1) the end of the earth or (2) what happens after all hell breaks loose. Since I live my literary life vicariously through her due to my unfortunate lack of free time, I find myself constantly thinking about what to do in an Apocalypse (I like capitalizing it to ensure that "it" does not think I am not showing due respect so that "it" does not unleash itself) - try this book for starters.

The article exposed what I had suspected all along: I'm a total goner. Apparently you should do the following to remain prepared for the (drumroll please)....APOCALYPSE:

• You need to make like the Mormons and stash major amounts of non-perishable food and water. Good news for me is that I already consume half of my meals in a bar form so I just need to stock up on more Luna bars.
• Chlorineis a good chemical to have on hand in copious amounts to sterilize questionable water...and post-apocalypse, it will all be questionable water. Drive thee to the nearest pool supply store pronto.
• Cash is critical. Liquefy some of your 3 months stash now that the financial world has gone all amok. Apparently mattress-stashing is all the rage, but I am thinking that a fire-proof, super-secure safe might be a better bet. This one I will struggle with - I have trained myself to carry only an Amex.....ah, Amex, how I will miss you post-Apocalypse....you make me so happy.
• Location, Location, Location...specifically you need options. Living near a major city may have perks now but rural, secluded land near a natural water supply is going to be the new "it" area code. But not too close to the ocean and avoid Florida entirely. Middle-of-nowhere Nebraska would be perfect.
• Read up on Ted Nugentand learn how to stock up and use weapons. Post-Apocalyptic times will be really violent and you need to arm up. That being said, I plan to ignore my own advice except that I may splurge on a nicer paring knife.

So, the readers digest version of post-Apocalypse living is that life will really suck beyond belief and the most important way to prepare yourself is to lower your expectations and stock up on mad quantities of anti-depressants to get through it. Getting through it is crucial because right now the only people with survival skills are crazy nutsos like the unibomber, Bear Grylls and Dwight Schrute. That is some frightening DNA to create the next generation, so we need some of us regular people to learn how to survive for the sake of humanity.

A: Where will all the grownups go?

I talked to JJ (pseudo-name for my brother) last night about this blog.  He read it for the first time and his comment was,“it’s like you are a 14 year old”. His second comment was, “that’s not an insult, just an observation”.

Now, I know being a kid is a whole lot less fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, but I can’t see how this could be an insult?  Recently, I was trading cd’s with my 10 year old cousin who stated simply, "you and I have a lot in common".  So after that, 14 is a big step up.  What makes JJ’s comment interesting to me is that clearly he is in complete denial that there is no longer a generational gap between 30 year olds and teenagers.  We all, on some level, are in touch with our inner 14 year old.  It’s a phenomenon unique to the times and we will all be better off if we can stop living in denial and embrace the peter pan syndrome that is sweeping the nation.   

Many of you are in denial like JJ.  Think about it…

Do you still walk around with your ipod buds in your ears? 

How many of you can’t get enough Wii? 

Do you ever wear jean’s to work?  

How many friend’s do you have on Facebook? 

What’s the most you’ve spent on a pair of jeans that look like they’ve been worn in? 

Who hasn’t read either Harry Potter or Twilight and thought this is the best book I’ve ever read? 

Do you love new stuff like HDTVs, touch phones and anything Apple? 

Face it….you're just like a teenager, but with more discretionary funds. This is not a personal theory.  Books have been published about it.  And New York Magazine even wrote a feature article about it where the author termed a new phrase for it, “grups”.  One of the biggest distinguishing features of a grup is that the parents of grups would trade a pay day for a vacation day any day.  What impresses a “grup” is someone in their 30s who can still sleep in on a week day.  I can vouch for this.  I am self employed and the comment I get most frequently from people is not about my earning potential but rather how lucky I am that I can work at will and travel freely. 

Now why does any of this matter?  Because it’s time to pick a side.  With the number of grownups who absolutely refuse to grow up increasing every year, you need to think about where you want to end up.  Do you want to be one of those people who own more pairs of khaki’s than you do jeans and just can’t understand what’s the big deal with the Jonas Brothers?  Or would you rather be the kind of grown up who goes shopping with your kid at H&M and can explain that the reason the Jonas Brother’s are so popular is because they remind everybody of the evolution of Tom Hanks?  

So what should you do to please your inner 14 year old?

• Go to itunes and download Britney’s new CD
• Vote in the next round of American Idol
• Take your kids to Starbucks
• Hang out in the YA section of the bookstore

Not only will you find yourself more satisfied with life, you also be more prepared to face the future of American culture.

C: Jamie Lynn Spears is a genius

I know, you are thinking that I'm being sarcastic or have consumed too much wine. Neither is true (though I seriously wish I had consumed some wine instead of the dayquil that I'm rockin' right now....more on that later). As the 29-year old mother (yes, I'm really 29...seriously....look at my driver's license) of a 2-year old boy, I have come to realize that JLS is way smarter than anyone gives her credit for.

Here is the thing about kids - they consume every last ounce of energy you possess on a daily basis and then keep mining for more. They leave you in a state of sheer exhaustion every second of everyday. Here is the thing about teenagers - they have energy. Sooooo, if you pair them together in a teenage mother scenario, you have created the perfect equation. What's that? You want me to expound on this theory....my pleasure:

1. Teens have crazy amounts of energy - they just act lazy to fool their parents. Point-in-case, when I was 17, I spent every night of an entire summer staying out until at least 2am participating in various shenanigans and then I woke up every morning at 6am to go to my 7am - 4pm job. Day in, day out. I fueled myself on donuts and coffee and cup-o-noodle soup and thought of it as my best summer ever. Going months on 4 hours of  sleep is precisely the skill required for successful parenting.
   
2. Exhausted parents make the same decisions as teenagers - at least 10 times a day I make a knowingly horrible parenting decision because I do not have the energy to make the right decision. For example, my son has McDonald's french fries for dinner 2-3x a week. Now I know that french fries are not a nutritious dinner choice, but I just cannot seem to gather the energy to combat his screeching of "eat" on our way home from daycare and the thought of cooking dinner is hilarious. A teen might feed her child french fries not realizing it is a sub par meal but no matter the reason - exhaustion or ignorance, the kid gets a crappy dinner.
   
3. Teenagers have stronger immune systems than adults - back to the dayquil. My son is always sick. My son always gets me sick. I am always sick and taking care of a sick child. It sucks. When I was a teenager, I got sick once. Once in 4 years.
   
4. Kids are money vacuums - no matter how much money you have, they will consume every last cent you have. If you have lots of excess funds, then you will find yourself buying every toy in Target and a new outfit for everyday. You will buy the most expensive diapers and pay for the most expensive health care and daycare and every other kind of care. And then you will have no more excess funds. Same holds true if you do not have a lot of money (like a teen mother, perhaps), but you will just spend less in total. Instead of spending all your money on crap, you will have to allocate your limited funds to things that matter (food) and your kid will likely be better off in the long run.
   
5. Having kids early means you get rid of kids early - young adults are moving back home after college and remaining financially dependent on their parents until their mid-20's (a depressing 77% of recent college grads end up back home). So if you have kids at 30, you are going to be financially tied down until you are at least 55. If you have kids at 18, then you reach financial freedom at the ripe young age of 43. With an average life expectancy of 78, that gives you nearly 35 years of fun before you kick it. You get to spend you prime earning years actually enjoying those earnings.

A: Super Bowl Sunday, Again?

According to the Comcast TV listing and guide, the Steelers will be playing the Cardinals this weekend in the Super Bowl. 

I have no further comment on the specifics of the sports aspect of this event, so stop reading if that is where your interest lies.  However, if you are like me and are interested in commentary related to the heart of game (the halftime show and commercials), please--read on.

Halftime show: It appears that the NFL’s decision to have Bruce Springsteen perform at the halftime show marks the fifth year in a row that we are forced to watch old people sing and dance.  I mean, seriously - when will we stop having to pay for JT and JJ’s wardrobe malfunction?  It’s ridiculous that you have to be 50 to get on stage.  Every year, I think this is the year that I’ll finally get my Troy and Gabriella Super Bowl Musical performance, but alas! who knows if that day will ever come. 

Commercials: Apparently, 3D is officially back.  On my quarterly trip to the supermarket, I saw a stand with 3D glasses to be used to view Dreamworks’ Super Bowl commercial.   This is super exciting not because I like commercials or free 3D glass but rather it is even more evidence that Billy Ray Cyrus is a marketing genius.  Of course, 3D glasses became cool again this summer with Hannah Montana’s Best of Both Worlds concert movie in 3D.  Having a 3D Super Bowl commercial that will be seen by over 90 million viewers just solidifies the far reaching influence Billy Ray has on America culture. 

A: Actually, no

We’ve advised you on music to listen to, books to read and activities to fill your life with happiness.  Now it’s time to help you with your career. By many standards, we’ve had success in our professional lives.  We’ve climbed the proverbial ladder and earn respectable livings.  Want to know the secret to our success?  Defiance.  Yep, it’s that simple.   Management respects defiance. Always.   How do you start incorporating defiance into your work life?  Glad you asked.  Here are some simple steps:

•  Start perceiving everyone as a coworker whether they are your boss or not. Remember this is American and there is no such thing as indentured servitude.   

• When you are right and someone else is wrong, you should say it.  You probably know more than you give yourself credit for.

• When you have a good idea, you should make it happen.  Even if it’s not your job.  Even if no one else supports you.    

• If a coworker (including your boss) is being a bully, refuse to put up with it.   Period.

•  No manager worth working for wants a yes girl.  So, go to work, learn how to do your job well and then start saying no.  

 Saying no is the best place to start your new defiant you.   It’s super fun. And super effective.  You should try it.  Start slow.  Once a week, say no to your boss.  It really works.  Even CNN agrees. And its such an important topic that Forbes has featured a series of saying no at work...in pictures.  Check it out here.

Think about kids.  One of the first words kids learn is always ‘no’.  Kids innately understand they need to be defiant to get what they want in life.  Most times, they say ‘no’ even when they don’t mean it. They recognize they have a will and they want to exercise it.  Because it’s fun and its normal.  Of course, over the next 18 years, kids learn to be obedient in order to be successful in school.  Well, now you are an adult and no one is stopping you from saying ‘no’ except yourself. The mentality of obedience that made you successful in schoolrooms will not take you far in corporate America. 

Now for the obligatory disclaimer.  Don’t get carried away.  We are not advising you to show up to work two hours late or just be rude at the office.  What we advise is to not fear authority.  When you resist it on a regular basis, people will start to perceive you as a decision maker and a leader.  Being a leader results in financial payoffs and more freedom at work.  And at the end of the day, if we can’t be one of the fortunate souls who are independently wealthy, we can at least strive for a job that affords us more independence and money.