These are my dress clothes

C: $100

I have realized that I have a congenital disease passed on from mother to daughter in all upper-middle-class suburbs. It is beyond my mental, emotional and physical capabilities to spend less than $100 at Target. I bet House could find a cure, but as it stands right now, in a House-less world, I am just a victim of the disease....destined to suffer for eternity.

Today I went to Target for 2 packs of diapers. That is $35 (we split 50/50 cheap Target brand and expensive Pampers to get the double-whammy self-esteem boost associated with spoiling your child and also being fiscally responsible). I spent a total of $310.28. I am not entirely sure what I bought with that $310.28, but I know I walked out of the store feeling really good about myself and enjoying the spending-high.

Okay that is a total lie - I know exactly what I bought because it is what I always buy at Target: luxurious crap. It is important to differentiate total crap with luxurious crap. Wal*mart sells total crap. Target, however, sells you crap you don't need but are willing to pay a lot of money to put it in your house. I would never spend more than $5 on hair products I don't need at Wal*mart and yet I will lay down $10 in 3 seconds flat at Target for the same thing.

Today I bought both a curling iron and a hair straightener. I have both already, but for some reason I felt the need to 'upgrade' my hair tools b/c the price was reasonable and it felt luxurious to pamper myself with new, ionic, ceramic hair tools in shiny packaging. It should be noted that I wear my hair in a non-straightened and non-curled ponytail everyday of my life.

I also bought my dogs new toys and treats. It should be noted that my dogs eat each others' feces.

I also bought women's multi-vitamins. It should be noted that I eat my son's Flintstone vitamin (of which we have 300 remaining) everyday when he inevitably rejects it to embrace his status as the only monstrous 2-year old on the planet who is anemic.

I also bought new powder, foundation, make-up remover, mascara and lip-gloss. It should be noted that I already have a years' supply of each from the last time I went to Target. But the make-up remover, mascara and lip-gloss were mostly organic, so I mentally chalked the purchase up to being a good citizen of the planet.

I also bought 2,500 stickers - I am not exaggerating. I actually bought two 1,000 sticker boxes and 20 more 4-sheet packs of stickers. I spent over $30 on stickers. As I type this, I am concerned about my mental stability b/c again - I'm not really sure why I felt the need to buy 2,500 stickers.It should be noted that I am not a teacher; I do not really need to stick things; I am not crafty. I just bought them. I told myself 'You can put them in the kid's stocking at Christmas or you can give them to the preschool teacher. It is a good bargain and they are cute.'

Delusional.

What I should be spending $100 a week on is Target stock. But that is lame, so I'll keep filling my house with luxurious crap: it is the American way.

C: Please sir, may I have some more?

Happiness is pretty much a universal request. I mean, who doesn't want to be happy? I am not counting snotty, self-righteous teenagers who wear all black and complain for a living....they all come around anyways when they get their first real job in their 20's and mommy and daddy no longer fund their self-pity. 

There is all kinds of interesting research on happiness; interesting, but often useless. I was having a conversation with some friends about happiness when a particularly nerdy friend (yeah, I said it) mentioned an article she had read in The Economist; which is useful, but never interesting. Now, I will go off on a slight tangent here because I do not want to mislead any readers. I do not read The Economist; I actually do not really know what it is. I read Lucky, Us Weekly and occasionally People....though I personally feel People has an overly high word:picture ratio. But I really believe in diversity so I give this friend a chance. Well, I outwardly scoff at her choice in periodicals, and recently gave her a tutelage on Jon & Kate...but that is as close as it gets to me actually embracing this kind of thought diversity.

Anyways, back to happiness. The Economist claims that happiness is all relative. So, if you hang out with people dumber and poorer than you, you will be happy. I may be paraphrasing the research a bit here. The most interesting finding was that men are extremely specific in their happiness relativity - their happiness depends greatly on whether they make more money than their wive's sister's husband. Now, I'm not sure what happens when their wife doesn't have a sister....maybe then it is a brother. If the wife is an only child, then the poor dude probably has to go to a first cousin or something. Family trees will be helpful in this exercise.

But the gist of it is this: if you are a man, find a mate who has a sister who is married to someone super poor - maybe someone in prison.  If you are a woman - surround yourself with really poor friends - I would suggest the homeless. Then you will be extraordinarily happy.

An alternative would be to do what I do: read about Jon & Kate (8 kids!) and Speidi (married to Spencer Pratt!) all day long and just be grateful that I'm not them.

C: Version 2.0 - Bigger and Better

We here at These are my dress clothes take constructive criticism very seriously. We have had a few requests from readers (okay, the plural is maybe just a bit of an overstatement) to make some changes to the blog. Specifically, we will now:

1. Indicate which one of use wrote the blog - I added an 'A' for Amy and 'C' for Caitlyn in front of each blog title. I like that it makes me feel like I'm in the cast of gossip girl using only first initials as a name.

2. Actually write some blogs - apparently this is step one to blogging

Now, I would like to offer up a laundry list of excuses as to why we have been so delinquent as of late. I'll let Amy explain her own adventures, but as for me, I would like to submit the following:

1. So You Think You Can Dance is on at least 4 hours a week: how am I supposed to just ignore that? How would I know what Cat was wearing? How could I live without my weekly fix of Mary Murphy's botoxed face screeching like a banshee? 
2. True Blood is back on: This absorbs about 5 hours a week since I cannot figure that show out. Why do so many people in po-dunk Louisiana have odd, special powers? Why did that one woman have a giant pig? Why does Sookie wear such short shorts all year round? Doesn't she get cold ever?
3. I started reading this crazy-good YA Lit series by Scott Westerfeld : post-apocalyptic, teen-focused, cool gadgets, everything a girl could want
4. My body is rejecting the aging process: this summer I turn 30 and it isn't going that well. Thus far I have somehow injured my rotator cuff (it wasn't pitching 90-mile an hour fastballs...I wasn't actually aware you could injure your shoulder in any other way) and I have completely knocked my jaw out of place and can no longer bite down on one side due to stress (my dentist claims I must be clenching my teeth at night....which has dire consequences)....dealing with injuries takes up a lot of time
5. And work

See, I had good reasons....don't be a hater.

A: If I ruled the airways….

When a loyal fan request a specific blog post, we at the Dress Clothes blog listen because we are nothing without our fans.  So when one of our top five fans (who consequently is my uncle) requested a post about airlines and the new fees for checking bags, we gladly complied.

So here it goes….

My uncle has a rough life which most recently involved frequent international and domestic travel to really horrible locations like NYC and the Galapagos Islands.  It’s shocking that someone with such a charmed life could come back from those trips with complaints; but alas - he is related to me, so it’s to be expected.  Anyway, during his recent travels, he came to the realization that airlines are run by idiots.  Okay, that’s my own editorial.  But I figure if my uncle didn’t really want me to ad lib for him, he’d have started his own blog by now (which I would totally read).  I digress.  So, my uncle believes that airlines have the paying for luggage thing backwards.  He believes that you should charge people who carry on luggage and not the passengers that check bags because the carry on travelers are the people who end up delaying the departure and cause all the boarding problems.  Honestly, I think it’s brilliant.  So brilliant that I’ve created a list of five other policies the airlines should consider implementing:

1.       Abolish unisex bathrooms:  Last time I checked, Americans don’t share bathrooms with the opposite sex.  It’s just indecent.

2.       Replace the peanuts with chocolate:  Salty snacks make you thirsty, chocolate makes you happy. 

3.       Establish a no talking section on the plane:  When booking a flight, travelers should be able to pick if they want to sit in the silent section of the plane or the talking section.  That way, those of us who still believe it is a bad idea to talk to strangers can travel in peace.

4.       Institute video poker:  Most guys who believe that a girl traveling on a plane would be interested in talking to them would also like video poker.  I believe if these guys had the option to play video poker, they’d be less likely to talk.  Anything that makes guys less likely to talk should be taken seriously.

5.       Allow riders the option to co-share the middle seat:   Here’s the idea -when you buy your ticket, you have the option to purchase half the middle seat. You are then seated in a row with another passenger who elected to co-share, thus guaranteeing an empty middle seat - the jackpot of coach travel.

And finally, I'd like to end with this hilarious and relevant youtube link that is loosely related to air travel but is mostly about our generation and our lack of appreciation we have for the technologies that makes our lives so easy.

C: Ideation nation

I have the great fortune to be a technical person who works with Marketing on a daily basis. Now, don't get me wrong, I do love Marketing people (see, I even capitalize it out of great respect). They have such optimism and energy....that I get to crush daily. Basically my job is to tell people that their great idea is just not feasible within the bounds of physics or (more often) the bounds of finance. I am basically paid to be a killjoy; that is why I got an engineering degree.

A few weeks ago I was invited to an "ideation" workshop. Ideation is one of those words that should have stayed a noun but then someone (likely a Marketeer) got ahold of it and turned it into a business buzzverb. In our ideation workshop we spent the morning getting briefed on the following topics, and then we spent the afternoon thinking of products for the future. I have compiled my observations in a nice outlined format and not an idea map because I think idea maps are stupid, which is likely why the Marketeers make fun of me behind my back and curse my existence. Again, this is totally why I became an engineer.

• The state of the economy: For 45 minutes a dude told us that the economy sucks and that because people either don't have jobs or are fearful of keeping their jobs they are not spending as much money. He had several very sophisticated bar graphs showing the GDP and unemployment rates over the past 60 years that he clearly downloaded from www.wsj.com.  I guarantee he makes 3x what I make....excuse me while I vomit for a second.
• The "green" trend...and yes, you have to use air-quotes when discussing this: People are all about minimizing consumption and going green; there is even a consumer green scale with 5 different degrees of "green" that are color-coded from those who don't give a crap (a light mint) to treehuggers (dark forest green).
  • My favorite was the "fake green" - they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. You have to market to them in a special way by basically patting them on the back for their "green" ways while at the same time "teaching" them to actually be environmentally friendly. You have to convey all of this in a 3" x 3" area. 
  • Consumers want companies to help them to be green so they do not have to exert any effort or pay more. I call that "lazy" but apparently that is really a mid-level green - a lovely shade of kelly green to be exact.  
  • Baby Boomers are actually a very active green generation- it's not just the young'uns. I am not surprised by this at all. Old people LOVE the weather channel and that is all about nature and the environment. Plus they love to worry and being green is all about worrying about the planet.
• Generation Y/Millenials: Apparently the young folk are the most politically and socially active generation in the past 60 years.
  • I disagree; mainly because I use my little brother as the benchmark for Generation Y and I am not sure he could name the Vice President. I think he only knows who the President is because ESPN followed Obama's NCAA brackets.
  • I think that Generation Y thinks they are the most politically/socially active generation in the past 60 years. And perception is way more important than reality in marketing, so when it comes to Gen Y, marketing is a snap - just say that by purchasing your product, they are somehow doing good for the community and/or environment. Recycle one piece of paper and you are good to go.
  • According to the Marketing research, Gen Y like to use online social networking sites to "connect" and learn about new products. "Connect" must have air-quotes too. The Marketing take-away on that one is to have a Facebook page. Connection complete.
• Individualism: I am not sure why expensive research was required to come to the conclusion that people like to feel like they are individuals and have choice; I would say this quality likely pertains to all mammals. But I do know that it spurred the most painful discussion I have ever witnessed in which multiple Marketeers got into an in-depth discussion about the difference between "unique" and "individual" and the need to define both separately to ensure proper consideration of the 2 words. A part of me died during that discussion.

After all of those great presentations, we got to brainstorm. All of my ideas involved things that cost $0, which means they were rejected outright. All of the ideas that are either physically impossible or cost a zillion dollars were deemed as "visionary" and incorporated into our 5-year plan.

I decided to let the Marketeers have their dreams now knowing that I will get to squash them in good time. "That" "will" "be" "so" "fun".

C: Everything you need to know about genetics you can learn in Starbucks

I have just 3 sources for all vital information:

(1) eavesdropping at Starbucks and/or Caribou Coffee

(2) the all-knowing tv monitor in the elevator at work

(3) VH1's Best Week Ever

I have gone through rebellious stages when I did kooky things like listen to NPR or subscribe to a newspaper but those dark days are behind me. I do run into issues when I have a slow meeting week and thus, do not spend a lot of time on the elevator. I didn't know about the Hudson plane crash for 3 days for that reason. On the upside, the elevator also expands my vocabulary on a daily basis. It also offers the occasional irony, like when the word of the day was "smarmy" and I happened to be riding the 'vator with an uber-smarm (noun form of the word...I do love the elevator).

Today, while waiting for my coffee in the Starbucks drive-thru (despite my weekly promise to stop drinking so much coffee), I overheard a patron telling the Starbucks dude (I do not use the word "barista" - it is not real) that having 5 fingers is a recessive trait. Wha, What?!?! So I jumped on Wikipedia to verify. Yes, I fully realize that Wikipedia should not be a source for any fact verification endeavor, and yet I will continue to use it for everything given its extraordinary convenience.

Unfortunately, I then spent the next hour desperately trying to figure out genetics (via Wikipedia, of course). I am fairly certain I nailed this in 7th grade science but for some reason just can't seem to grasp this whole dominant/recessive thing. I do not understand how supposed recessive traits can appear out of nowhere. Like how I have blond hair and the rest of my family is all brunette. Or how my husband has green eyes, when everyone else in his family has blue eyes (by now you are realizing that all of these links are wikipedia links...I wasn't lying). Actually, all my research just uncovered the fact that my husband is 100% recessive and I'm a good mix of both recessiveness (could be a word) and dominance.

Which means that when it comes to our son...I am totally winning.

C: Apoca-crap

So I was intrigued by the cover of my husband's Men's Vogue (yes, there is apparently a Men's version of Vogue) and (yes, apparently my husband finds it acceptable for straight, married men with children to read Men's Vogue). The cover advertised an article titled "Apocalypse Boot Camp". I was giddy.

It has become an increasing worry of mine that we are on the brink of Apocalypse and I am completely unprepared. This worry is mostly spurred by the fact that my good pal Amy (coauthor of this blog) seems to exclusively read books describing (1) the end of the earth or (2) what happens after all hell breaks loose. Since I live my literary life vicariously through her due to my unfortunate lack of free time, I find myself constantly thinking about what to do in an Apocalypse (I like capitalizing it to ensure that "it" does not think I am not showing due respect so that "it" does not unleash itself) - try this book for starters.

The article exposed what I had suspected all along: I'm a total goner. Apparently you should do the following to remain prepared for the (drumroll please)....APOCALYPSE:

• You need to make like the Mormons and stash major amounts of non-perishable food and water. Good news for me is that I already consume half of my meals in a bar form so I just need to stock up on more Luna bars.
• Chlorineis a good chemical to have on hand in copious amounts to sterilize questionable water...and post-apocalypse, it will all be questionable water. Drive thee to the nearest pool supply store pronto.
• Cash is critical. Liquefy some of your 3 months stash now that the financial world has gone all amok. Apparently mattress-stashing is all the rage, but I am thinking that a fire-proof, super-secure safe might be a better bet. This one I will struggle with - I have trained myself to carry only an Amex.....ah, Amex, how I will miss you post-Apocalypse....you make me so happy.
• Location, Location, Location...specifically you need options. Living near a major city may have perks now but rural, secluded land near a natural water supply is going to be the new "it" area code. But not too close to the ocean and avoid Florida entirely. Middle-of-nowhere Nebraska would be perfect.
• Read up on Ted Nugentand learn how to stock up and use weapons. Post-Apocalyptic times will be really violent and you need to arm up. That being said, I plan to ignore my own advice except that I may splurge on a nicer paring knife.

So, the readers digest version of post-Apocalypse living is that life will really suck beyond belief and the most important way to prepare yourself is to lower your expectations and stock up on mad quantities of anti-depressants to get through it. Getting through it is crucial because right now the only people with survival skills are crazy nutsos like the unibomber, Bear Grylls and Dwight Schrute. That is some frightening DNA to create the next generation, so we need some of us regular people to learn how to survive for the sake of humanity.

C: I am just cheerleading

In these harsh times, it is important to find ways to make yourself happy.Shopping is the most surefire method, but since we are all basically on the brink of economic demise, here are some cheaper options:

• Listen to Dave Ramsey - his callers are all idiots and even 10 minutes of listening will lead to a euphoric sense of satisfaction about your own financial state
• Watch a dance show (celebrity participation is optional) - you will feel inspired to take up dance lessons, which you will not actually do, but the inspiration alone releases endorphins akin to running a marathon....which is, of course, the magic of tv
• Read some YA-lit - the genius of books written for children is that they are not trying too hard to impress; kids are too smart to waste 3 hours of their life reading a book Oprah recommends, so YA-lit is actually interesting
• Read a mundane blog - I have a friend who combats a stressful, high-powered job as a corporate lawyer by reading the blog of a girl she knew in high school. They were not friends, but reading about this woman's daily trip to Chic-fil-A and her kids' craft projects is incredibly soothing.
• Speaking of high school, check out your hometown newspaper's arrested column (here's mine) - reading about the misfortune of people you knew long ago is sure to raise your spirits b/c (a) you moved away from home and they didn't and (b) you are not in jail....unless, of course, you are....in which case - sucks to be you. But on the upside, if you are in your hometown jail then you won't have to do much to get happier.
• Trim your split ends while on conference calls - the fact that you are both improving the quality of your hair AND brilliantly multi-tasking at work is both promotion-worthy AND endorphins-inducing
• Eat a gigantic bowl of Lucky Charms - no need for explanation.....separating out the purple horseshoe marshmallows is pure bliss - straight up.