These are my dress clothes

C: I'm a big, fat lame-O

Sometimes it takes an outside opinion to show you that need to make a change.

Like when Amazon sends you an email stating:

"As a fan of paranormal teen fiction, you may like this new book."

A fan of paranormal teen fiction? It sounds so harsh when you say it out loud. So I like YA lit, so what?! Amazon has no right to judge me...did they really have to use the word "paranormal"? It sounds so creepy.

Then, I get a call from Amy letting me know that our favorite magazine, Domino, had been canceled and replaced with Glamour.

Sure enough, I look in my mailbox and find the following statement from Domino:

"With regret, we have decided that we will no longer be publishing Domino. In its place, we will be sending you Cookie....."

WTF?!?! Amy gets Glamour and I get Cookie? That is clearly zip-code profiling. Just b/c Amy lives in some posh, up-and-coming, "transitional", city neighborhood and I live in the burbs DOES NOT mean that I should be treated as a Cookie-reader!

I mean, sure, I shop at Super Wal*mart (who doesn't want to save money and live better!), go to bed before 9pm on most nights (I don't want to look old), love CBS (How I Met Your Mother is completely hilarious) and a good cake-mix recipe but as God as my witness I will NOT become a Cookie-subscriber!

A/C: Manicorn, manicorn where art thou?

So, while we were purusing urbandictionary.com, we came across a wonderful word: manicorn.

a mythical male creature who is successful (read: pursuing his passion and can pay his electric bills/rent), funny, chivalrous, masculine (read: not chauvinistic), adventurous, artistic (read: not suicidal

We have no idea if such a version of the male species exists, but if so the internet will bring him to us. So if you meet all of these descriptors and find yourself reading this, feel free to email us pronto. Our current significant others would definitely support this endeavor: manicorn sightings are rare and precious things.

Amy's manicorn: SWF seeking widowed 23.5 - 32-ish male. Must be independently wealthy who enjoys constant travel alone and who owns no possessions. Must be willing to move into my house with no say as to the way it is decorated. Must own an ocean-front home in a foreign country that he will let me decorate and allow me and my friends to visit exclusively. He must have 8-year old twins: one boy and one girl. The children must be perfectly behaved and go to boarding school (year-round, in Europe). He must hate ESPN. He must be able to recreate anything seen in a Pottery Barn catalog using tools that he keeps at a friend's house. Must be early for everything. Must know how to cook or be willing to eat out every meal (breakfast included). He must be willing to accept defeat within 3 seconds of all arguments.  Willing to audition fo reality TV shows with me. Must be willing to study the Twilight series and should strive to immulate Edward in all aspects of life (except the drinking of blood).

Amy's top five (okay....6): John Legend, Tom Welling, Edward Cullen, Jason Taylor, Cam Gigendet, Matthew Fox

Caitlyn's manicorn: (see above with the following adjustments). Lose the 8-year olds. He must be willing to be a stay-at-home dad and have the economic means to hire a housekeeper, gardener, night nanny, house manager, cook, laundress, dog walker, hermit crab feeder, butler, grocery shopper, etc. He must not EVER question my parenting skills. He must be willing to sleep in a separate bedroom (actually, wing of the house would be best), as the dogs and I take up a lot of room in my current king bed. Hates all films starring the following actors with asymetrical facial features: Nicholas Cage, Dustin Hoffman, Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis, William Defoe, Gary Busey. Must be exceptionally symetrical himself. Must have all conversations via email. He needs several super powers...though he cannot be able to read my mind. Must consider US Weekly a valid news source and appropriate for dinner conversation. Must have friends all exactly like him to avoid introducing any annoying qualities into my home.

Caitlyn's top 5 (okay....6.5): Edward Cullen (the character in my head...not Robert Pattinson), Tom Welling, Scott Foley, Sidney Crosby (I pretend he is American and 3 years older), Josh Lucas, Eli Manning, Adrienne Grenier*

*only half of the time - when he is well-groomed for TV

C: Bane of my existence

HGTV: Bane of my existence. I was happy but then back in the hey-day of 'Trading Spaces', early Oh's I discovered this concept of TV geared towards "home improvement". And I, like America, became obsessed. Now, I have weened myself off the drug that is HGTV but every once in awhile they pull me back in.

Like every February when they tease me with their supposed Dream House. I like to say that I don't desperately want that house but the fact is that I seriously do. Even though the decorating is that kind of crappy, 'matchy but not matchy' Southern Living look, I so want it. And then, every February, I spend the whole month hating my house and looking for inspiration

So here are some of the things that I hate (slash love):

• My House is Worth What: I love the host's hair but find the show generally depressing these days plus I cannot tolerate the long dramatic pauses

• Divine Design: I love Candice - she is genius...but her man-servants get on my last nerve...I especially abhor Chico. Plus she is Canadian...a future blog will explain that love/hate relationship....I don't have that kind of time.

• Carter Oosterhouse: Carter is my arch enemy. He is entirely too handsome and annoying...which is an overly common combination. I loathe how he pretends to have actual carpentry skills and care about the environment. I bet he uses toxic hair products - no one's hair looks that good naturally....hypocrite.

• House Hunters: Though this show is shockingly addictive, I do not understand how they manage to find the most truly annoying house hunters on the planet. Though on the flipside, I always end up feeling better about myself when watching.

• Domino Magazine: Okay...no tie to HGTV that I know of, but I do love/hate Domino. I basically love everything about this magazine but hate that I can never pull off anything like they do; even if I copied it exactly, I am just not hip enough to make it work, so it is just a monthly tease. 

Stupid Dream House; the logical solution would be to stop watching to lower my standards but I won't...instead I will just keep entering the contest year after year and accept my fate to live in a fairly non-dreamy house.