These are my dress clothes

A: GG for the masses

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a fashionista (and by fashionista, I mean I religiously follow Target fashion).  So of course I was ecstatic to learn that Target was releasing a new line of Gossip Girl inspired clothes by the designer, Anna Sui.  Word has it that there will be nineteen GG character inspired looks and the clothes will be available September 13th - October 17th, which means that we all have 2.5 months to decide which GG we want to dress like.  Click here for a slideshow.  The clock is ticking....

C: Version 2.0 - Bigger and Better

We here at These are my dress clothes take constructive criticism very seriously. We have had a few requests from readers (okay, the plural is maybe just a bit of an overstatement) to make some changes to the blog. Specifically, we will now:

1. Indicate which one of use wrote the blog - I added an 'A' for Amy and 'C' for Caitlyn in front of each blog title. I like that it makes me feel like I'm in the cast of gossip girl using only first initials as a name.

2. Actually write some blogs - apparently this is step one to blogging

Now, I would like to offer up a laundry list of excuses as to why we have been so delinquent as of late. I'll let Amy explain her own adventures, but as for me, I would like to submit the following:

1. So You Think You Can Dance is on at least 4 hours a week: how am I supposed to just ignore that? How would I know what Cat was wearing? How could I live without my weekly fix of Mary Murphy's botoxed face screeching like a banshee? 
2. True Blood is back on: This absorbs about 5 hours a week since I cannot figure that show out. Why do so many people in po-dunk Louisiana have odd, special powers? Why did that one woman have a giant pig? Why does Sookie wear such short shorts all year round? Doesn't she get cold ever?
3. I started reading this crazy-good YA Lit series by Scott Westerfeld : post-apocalyptic, teen-focused, cool gadgets, everything a girl could want
4. My body is rejecting the aging process: this summer I turn 30 and it isn't going that well. Thus far I have somehow injured my rotator cuff (it wasn't pitching 90-mile an hour fastballs...I wasn't actually aware you could injure your shoulder in any other way) and I have completely knocked my jaw out of place and can no longer bite down on one side due to stress (my dentist claims I must be clenching my teeth at night....which has dire consequences)....dealing with injuries takes up a lot of time
5. And work

See, I had good reasons....don't be a hater.

A: Dear Desperate Housewives,

Dear Desperate Housewives,

I am writing this letter to break up with you.  You know the cliché, “its not you, its me”?  Well that does not apply to us.  This is all your fault.  I should have done this in season two when you made Alfre Woodard into a crazy lady who locked her son in her basement.   What was I thinking? 

Actually, I know exactly what I was thinking.  You remodeled your sets and made the upper middle class homes even more beautiful than season one.  You increased Jesse Metcalfe's camera time and limited his wardrobe to shirtless outfits only.  But enough is enough.  It’s been five long seasons and I’m not going to sit around and wait for you to dump me when you get the 7 yr itch.

Tonight I realized that you haven’t had a new episode in a month and I didn’t even miss you.  I actually think I needed the space.  Really, I can no longer ignore that your twists are really not that twisted, the drama is not really that dramatic and your plot lines never stay within the lines which is really convenient for you, isn’t it?    Isn’t it!?!  And worst of all, you aged everyone by five years over a summer.  When is older ever more interesting, says I?

You are no longer healthy for me.  All those apples in your promos don’t fool me anymore.  I devote an hour a week to you and what do I get in return?  Am I smarter?  Am I at least more interesting to talk to?  I would say no.  Therefore, I’m taking back my Sunday night 9pm time slot. What I plan to do with this new hour of freedom is none of your damn business. 

If you and I were meant to be together, we will be. But for now, I can’t help but feel that you never really knew me because if you did you would never have let Edie die.  You have changed.  You are no longer the sophisticated, edgy television show that I fell in love with.  Now you are just sloppy and older.

Please don’t be upset.  I’m sorry to end this so close to the May sweeps, but good luck in the future.  And by good luck in the future, I mean I hope you get crushed by celebrity apprentice.

With Love,

Amy

C: The Final Four

It is Motown night on American Idol and Smoky Robinson is back. Smoky is my own personal American Idol, not because of his musical success, but because though he is almost 70, he never looks a day over 35. I like to assume he has been using a high-SPF sunscreen his whole life but my husband believes he has "had work done". I really just can't imagine Smoky having plastic surgery though because that would be weird, and thus I am right - it is all just proper sun care.

Not that I have any moral issue with plastic surgery, I just have a problem with its cost. As much as I would love jacking my face up with Botox, my budget does not allow it and thus I am forced to look at my expanding crows feet and deep wrinkles daily. The good news is that though I'm not willing to pay for surgery (yet), I'm totally willing to spend a ridiculous percentage of my disposable income on various creams/lotions/potions that promise to stop aging.

I have had a 7-year long tournament of eye creams in which I alternated various products on the market  to compare their efficacy (elevator word of the day), testing each product for at least 6 weeks.

Here are some products that DO NOT live up to their claims and are a complete waste of money:

• Strivectin - total crap; I don't care that Isaac Mizrahi endorses it (though I did love his entire line for Target...RIP)
• Neutrogena - any version; a halfway decent standby if you are in a pinch but nothing to rely on when it comes to your looks....which we all know is the basis for your ENTIRE happiness and success in life
• Nivea Q10 - waste of space on the shelf
• Juice Organics - great if all you want to do is hug trees your whole life in a forest with no mirrors

Here are some products that make the grade according to my ultra-scientific studies:

• Sabon- they have this shitake mushroom eye cream that is divine: feels good, smells good, does a good job....yeah for mushrooms!
• Olay Regenerist - I have not been overly impressed but Consumer Reports says it is the best and I generally do whatever consumer reports says to do; plus it is cheap and readily available anywhere
• Burt's Bees Radiance - smells slightly old lady-like but feels wonderful and is ultra moisturizing; now available in Target and Walmart for us regular folks

• Sleep - I know, total cop-out, but it is really true. I look about 20 years older than I actually am since I had my son and reduced my average time asleep to about 4-6 hours a night from the 9 I was used to prior. My coworkers even tried to throw me a 30th birthday party when I was turning 29. I punished them by not speaking to them for weeks, I tactic I often employ in the work environment to admittedly disappointing results.

Feel free to comment if you have anymore good suggestions, unlike the lame NCAA tournament, the eye cream tournament does not end in April.

C: I'm an HBO ho

So, the other day I found myself in a conversation about Mormonism and I thought to my self "Why am I always finding myself in conversations about the Amish and/or Mormonism?" and then I remembered that it is because I, myself, start these conversations. In fact, I obsessively find ways to work it into a conversation, albeit often to very awkward results.

"Can you please print out a copy of those financials"

"Sure, since we have electricity I can easily print those out for you. Do you know who doesn't have electricity? The Amish. Do you know that when they turn 18, the Amish are allowed to go on a rumspringa and just go crazy and do drugs and have sex all the time and their parents don't even care?!?!"

Anyways, back to Mormonism.

My recent obsession is due to Big Love- the HBO series. In fact, I can tie just about all of my awkward conversations to whatever HBO series is shown Sunday nights at 9pm EST/10pm CST. All Fall, I couldn't shut up about vampires, now it is polygamist communes. They are just so gripping, I find the need to talk about each episode the entire following week. I once derailed a business book club meeting (it is not really optional to attend these....clearly) discussion of the book Good to Great to discuss whether it was better to date a vampire or a shape-shifter who turns into a dog...this led to a very in-depth discussion of the optimal animal to shape-shift into, if ever given the choice.

By the way, the only acceptable answer is a large cat of some kind. I will accept: lion, tiger, panther, leopard, or mountain lion.

Anyways, back to Mormonism.

I was first introduced to Mormonism by my friend in 2nd grade - Rebecca something-rather. She invited me to her church for "bring your friend day" (okay, so maybe it wasn't called that) where we played fun games and had snacks. We drove there in her family's 12-person van. It was huge. Her dad was an Army Chaplain (I'm an Army brat btw).

I then was reintroduced in Middle School, when our neighbors were Mormon. They had 4 girls, 4 boys ranging in age from 22 to 6. They were all blond, blue-eyed and totally perfect. Their dad was also an Army Chaplain...I believe that the only options for Mormons outside of Utah must be to become an Army Chaplain. They invited my sister to church with them all of the time and even gave her a Book of Mormon as a Christmas gift [be sure to check this site out as it allows you to chat live with a Mormon...nice]. My mom will totally deny they were trying to convert her, but I now know the truth.

The reason I find Mormonism so incredibly fascinating is for the following reasons (I DARE you to find these things UNINTERESTING....it is impossible):

• Every Mormon I have ever known (all 3) have been the nicest human beings in the world, all day, every day. Their families are perfect and loving and supportive. They have "family nights" and do nothing on Sundays. There is just something so odd about that in the 21st century. It just drives me to search harder for flaws.
• They have to wear special, sacred underpants. They can only take them off for the 3 S's: sex, shower, swimming. I know this because my friend Cindy told me so and she knows lots about underpants. Check it at www.mormonunderwear.com- I'm really upset that this url is taken, my plans are dashed.
• Though generally denied as a church-approved practice, polygamy still runs rampant in some Mormon communities. I know this because (a) I watch Big Love (b) I researched it for an hour in Barnes and Noble and (c) I read People magazine. I just do not quite understand why anyone would ever, in a million zillion years, think that having more than one spouse is a good idea. Living with just one spouse is challenging enough. Though, on the upside, polygamists generally develop excellent organizational skills with all of their child-rearing, chore and sex schedules.
• I watched this episode of South Park. Here is a very convient play-by-play comparison between the actual BOM (Book o' Mormon)  and South Park's version. Wow, people have lots of free time.

Maybe HBO will come out with a show all about how to be more successful in work and life and air it on Sunday nights at 9pm EST/10pm CST so I can benefit from my weakness....but then again, I probably wouldn't watch that show anyways.

A/C: Manicorn, manicorn where art thou?

So, while we were purusing urbandictionary.com, we came across a wonderful word: manicorn.

a mythical male creature who is successful (read: pursuing his passion and can pay his electric bills/rent), funny, chivalrous, masculine (read: not chauvinistic), adventurous, artistic (read: not suicidal

We have no idea if such a version of the male species exists, but if so the internet will bring him to us. So if you meet all of these descriptors and find yourself reading this, feel free to email us pronto. Our current significant others would definitely support this endeavor: manicorn sightings are rare and precious things.

Amy's manicorn: SWF seeking widowed 23.5 - 32-ish male. Must be independently wealthy who enjoys constant travel alone and who owns no possessions. Must be willing to move into my house with no say as to the way it is decorated. Must own an ocean-front home in a foreign country that he will let me decorate and allow me and my friends to visit exclusively. He must have 8-year old twins: one boy and one girl. The children must be perfectly behaved and go to boarding school (year-round, in Europe). He must hate ESPN. He must be able to recreate anything seen in a Pottery Barn catalog using tools that he keeps at a friend's house. Must be early for everything. Must know how to cook or be willing to eat out every meal (breakfast included). He must be willing to accept defeat within 3 seconds of all arguments.  Willing to audition fo reality TV shows with me. Must be willing to study the Twilight series and should strive to immulate Edward in all aspects of life (except the drinking of blood).

Amy's top five (okay....6): John Legend, Tom Welling, Edward Cullen, Jason Taylor, Cam Gigendet, Matthew Fox

Caitlyn's manicorn: (see above with the following adjustments). Lose the 8-year olds. He must be willing to be a stay-at-home dad and have the economic means to hire a housekeeper, gardener, night nanny, house manager, cook, laundress, dog walker, hermit crab feeder, butler, grocery shopper, etc. He must not EVER question my parenting skills. He must be willing to sleep in a separate bedroom (actually, wing of the house would be best), as the dogs and I take up a lot of room in my current king bed. Hates all films starring the following actors with asymetrical facial features: Nicholas Cage, Dustin Hoffman, Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis, William Defoe, Gary Busey. Must be exceptionally symetrical himself. Must have all conversations via email. He needs several super powers...though he cannot be able to read my mind. Must consider US Weekly a valid news source and appropriate for dinner conversation. Must have friends all exactly like him to avoid introducing any annoying qualities into my home.

Caitlyn's top 5 (okay....6.5): Edward Cullen (the character in my head...not Robert Pattinson), Tom Welling, Scott Foley, Sidney Crosby (I pretend he is American and 3 years older), Josh Lucas, Eli Manning, Adrienne Grenier*

*only half of the time - when he is well-groomed for TV

C: Bane of my existence

HGTV: Bane of my existence. I was happy but then back in the hey-day of 'Trading Spaces', early Oh's I discovered this concept of TV geared towards "home improvement". And I, like America, became obsessed. Now, I have weened myself off the drug that is HGTV but every once in awhile they pull me back in.

Like every February when they tease me with their supposed Dream House. I like to say that I don't desperately want that house but the fact is that I seriously do. Even though the decorating is that kind of crappy, 'matchy but not matchy' Southern Living look, I so want it. And then, every February, I spend the whole month hating my house and looking for inspiration

So here are some of the things that I hate (slash love):

• My House is Worth What: I love the host's hair but find the show generally depressing these days plus I cannot tolerate the long dramatic pauses

• Divine Design: I love Candice - she is genius...but her man-servants get on my last nerve...I especially abhor Chico. Plus she is Canadian...a future blog will explain that love/hate relationship....I don't have that kind of time.

• Carter Oosterhouse: Carter is my arch enemy. He is entirely too handsome and annoying...which is an overly common combination. I loathe how he pretends to have actual carpentry skills and care about the environment. I bet he uses toxic hair products - no one's hair looks that good naturally....hypocrite.

• House Hunters: Though this show is shockingly addictive, I do not understand how they manage to find the most truly annoying house hunters on the planet. Though on the flipside, I always end up feeling better about myself when watching.

• Domino Magazine: Okay...no tie to HGTV that I know of, but I do love/hate Domino. I basically love everything about this magazine but hate that I can never pull off anything like they do; even if I copied it exactly, I am just not hip enough to make it work, so it is just a monthly tease. 

Stupid Dream House; the logical solution would be to stop watching to lower my standards but I won't...instead I will just keep entering the contest year after year and accept my fate to live in a fairly non-dreamy house.

C: Sunny Days...

So I have been spending a lot of time watching The Street these days...you know, Sesame Street. Yep, my life is fabulous. But after a 25+ year gap, I find it completely fascinating.

• I find it completely fascinating that kids can tolerate Elmo, who is clearly the spawn of Satan sent to destroy all eardrums
• I find it completely fascinating that the writers thought that "glockenspiel" was a good "word for the day"....out of all the words a preschooler should be mastering? My kid cannot say "blankie" and they are suggesting he try "glockenspiel"? I guarantee those writers totally got beat up in preschool. And the worst part of it is that now I know what a damn glockenspiel is and I'm fairly certain that knowledge replaced something really important in my limited brain space.
• I find it completely fascinating that Prairie Dawn still has that wretched haircut - some people cannot pull off bangs.
• I find it completely fascinating that Chris Brown did not get a Grammy nod with the song "See the Signs"...it has been in my head for 2 weeks and I am still not annoyed! I can only assume that the Recording Academy does not, as a collective group, consist of large amounts of 2 year olds. 
• I find it completely fascinating that I did not hear about this at the office water cooler - seriously the best TV I have seen in YEARS: check it here.

Just when you think they have lost their appeal, they pull you pack in. I can't wait to see what they come up with in another 25 years! You know, when I'm 35.

A: Everything I need to know about quitting my job, I learned from ER

I have never missed an episode of ER.  Ever.  That is 322 episodes over a 15 year period. If I had known I was making a 15 year commitment, I probably would not have started watching ER. I actually stopped enjoying ER in the early Ohs (2002ish), but I cannot stop watching because I am incapable of grasping the concept of sunk cost.   Over the years, I've learned many things in the halls of County General, like a 'GSW' is a gun shot wound, and you pretty much should expect to see a CBC on your ER bill if you ever end up in the hospital.  But what's more applicable to this post is what I've learned from watching the cast come and go over the years.  

Unfortunately, I have something called the two year itch.  It's not something I’m proud of because I’ve been fortunate to get jobs working at really good companies.  But regardless of how good the job/people/opportunity, it's two years and I'm itching to quit.  Knowing this about myself, I'm always looking for tips on quitting from the pros.  This is where ER comes in. Watching how certain cast members have exited the show over the years, one can learn a lot about how to quit your job.  With that said, here are my favorite four lessons on how to quit your job, ER-style.

1.       If you quit, you can always come back.  This is something no one tells you until you are quitting.  If you do your job well, employers will want you back.  It’s a great deal for them.  You are already trained to do the job and in theory get along with your coworkers. Sherry Stringfield (Dr. Susan Lewis) did it.  When Stringfield quit her job after season three, she had two years left on her contract.  The director was less than thrilled and forced her to sign a no-work agreement for the remaining term of her contract which meant she could not work in television for the next two years.  Pretty messing and vindictive right?  Five short seasons later, she signed back with ER and stayed on for another four seasons.  Ratings were so high, she got a crossover special with Third Watch and her returning episode actually knocked Friends out of the top spot in ratings.  So even if you leave on less than pleasant terms, it’s usually pretty easy to come back when you are ready.

2.       Quit while you are ahead.  George Clooney (Dr. Doug Ross) left at the height of his ER popularity.   Since then, he has experienced a highly successful movie career.  Noah Wyle (Dr. John Carter) stayed with ER for 12 years.  Since his departure, he really has no cinematic credits to speak of except the made for TV movie, ‘The Librarian’.  For me, being casted as the lead in a TNT movie would be the pinnacle of my career.  But for a guy who was once the highest paid tv drama actor per episode, it can’t be easy.  I should point out that Wyle is assumed to be living quite nicely off of fat royalty checks he receives from the many syndicated episodes of ER that he starred in.  However, it is hard to deny that he worked himself out of a job.  He clearly does not have the same options Clooney has.  When you spend too much time in one role/field, you become type casted/labeled.  You lose confidence in your ability to learn new tricks and employers are less willing to see you as someone who can mold to their model. 

3.       Start planning your exit strategy before you start your job.  When Gloria Reuben (Jeanie Boulet) went into contract with ER, she had details about the fate of her character written into the contract that required the writers keep her character alive upon her departure.  ER is notorious for killing off characters in one horrific manner after the next.  But what is genius about this negotiation strategy is that the door remained open for Reuben to return to ER in the future.  So when you are starting with a company, you should be planning for the end.  Be sure to think about things like non-competes and years of service required to retain sign-on bonus, vesting, etc.

4.       Don’t quit until you have your next offer in writing.  Shane West (Dr. Ray Barnett) quit ER to join a new show on Fox’s network called Supreme Courtship.  Ever heard of it?  Probably not because Fox never picked up the show and West was out of two jobs.   Sucks to be him.  Until the offer is in writing and you can agree to live with the terms, you don’t have a new job.  So be patient and never make hasty decisions based on a verbal offer.

Related posts:
Actually, No - How to get ahead at work by saying no

A: Super Bowl Sunday, Again?

According to the Comcast TV listing and guide, the Steelers will be playing the Cardinals this weekend in the Super Bowl. 

I have no further comment on the specifics of the sports aspect of this event, so stop reading if that is where your interest lies.  However, if you are like me and are interested in commentary related to the heart of game (the halftime show and commercials), please--read on.

Halftime show: It appears that the NFL’s decision to have Bruce Springsteen perform at the halftime show marks the fifth year in a row that we are forced to watch old people sing and dance.  I mean, seriously - when will we stop having to pay for JT and JJ’s wardrobe malfunction?  It’s ridiculous that you have to be 50 to get on stage.  Every year, I think this is the year that I’ll finally get my Troy and Gabriella Super Bowl Musical performance, but alas! who knows if that day will ever come. 

Commercials: Apparently, 3D is officially back.  On my quarterly trip to the supermarket, I saw a stand with 3D glasses to be used to view Dreamworks’ Super Bowl commercial.   This is super exciting not because I like commercials or free 3D glass but rather it is even more evidence that Billy Ray Cyrus is a marketing genius.  Of course, 3D glasses became cool again this summer with Hannah Montana’s Best of Both Worlds concert movie in 3D.  Having a 3D Super Bowl commercial that will be seen by over 90 million viewers just solidifies the far reaching influence Billy Ray has on America culture.