These are my dress clothes

A: If I ruled the airways….

When a loyal fan request a specific blog post, we at the Dress Clothes blog listen because we are nothing without our fans.  So when one of our top five fans (who consequently is my uncle) requested a post about airlines and the new fees for checking bags, we gladly complied.

So here it goes….

My uncle has a rough life which most recently involved frequent international and domestic travel to really horrible locations like NYC and the Galapagos Islands.  It’s shocking that someone with such a charmed life could come back from those trips with complaints; but alas - he is related to me, so it’s to be expected.  Anyway, during his recent travels, he came to the realization that airlines are run by idiots.  Okay, that’s my own editorial.  But I figure if my uncle didn’t really want me to ad lib for him, he’d have started his own blog by now (which I would totally read).  I digress.  So, my uncle believes that airlines have the paying for luggage thing backwards.  He believes that you should charge people who carry on luggage and not the passengers that check bags because the carry on travelers are the people who end up delaying the departure and cause all the boarding problems.  Honestly, I think it’s brilliant.  So brilliant that I’ve created a list of five other policies the airlines should consider implementing:

1.       Abolish unisex bathrooms:  Last time I checked, Americans don’t share bathrooms with the opposite sex.  It’s just indecent.

2.       Replace the peanuts with chocolate:  Salty snacks make you thirsty, chocolate makes you happy. 

3.       Establish a no talking section on the plane:  When booking a flight, travelers should be able to pick if they want to sit in the silent section of the plane or the talking section.  That way, those of us who still believe it is a bad idea to talk to strangers can travel in peace.

4.       Institute video poker:  Most guys who believe that a girl traveling on a plane would be interested in talking to them would also like video poker.  I believe if these guys had the option to play video poker, they’d be less likely to talk.  Anything that makes guys less likely to talk should be taken seriously.

5.       Allow riders the option to co-share the middle seat:   Here’s the idea -when you buy your ticket, you have the option to purchase half the middle seat. You are then seated in a row with another passenger who elected to co-share, thus guaranteeing an empty middle seat - the jackpot of coach travel.

And finally, I'd like to end with this hilarious and relevant youtube link that is loosely related to air travel but is mostly about our generation and our lack of appreciation we have for the technologies that makes our lives so easy.

A: Socializing at 30,000 feet

People are bizarrely social when they travel.  I’m not sure why, but it seems to be that most travelers think because we share the need to get from one place to another that we are required to socialize en route.  Caitlyn has a theory that airplane socializing exist because  travelers are under the assumption that they will most likely die mid-flight.  Therefore, they desperately feel the need to share all intimate details of their lives with strangers as a celebration of their last moments on earth.  I’ve been on my fair share of flights and I can confirm her theory.  People just can’t shut up when they are on a plane.

I just returned from a trip to Texas and I have to say that there are no shortages of crazies flying to Texas.  I should have known that when the park-n-ride shuttle driver confessed to me that sometimes he wants to just jump out of the moving bus that this trip was going to be no exception.  As it turns out, this guy really doesn’t like his job.  He gets through the day pretending to be Sandra Bullock in the movie, Speed.  I used this opportunity to remind him that Sandra Bullock did not abandon her passengers in a moving vehicle on Camp Creek Parkway and neither should he. 

Once on the airplane, I find myself sitting next to the baggage police, a guy who feels the need to stop people as they are walking down the aisle to tell them that their bag is too big to fit in the overhead compartment.  Of course, he was right on most accounts, but it in no way expedited the boarding process so I feel he should have kept his mouth shut.  Once everyone was in their seats and I was his captive audience he decides to tell that he is on his way to Texas to interview for a job followed by how he hasn’t worked in nine months and if he doesn’t get this job his family is on the verge of being homeless.  Seriously, I’m not Barack Obama ….I cannot solve your housing problems.  The lady on the way back was a little better.  She just wanted to know if I thought it was safe for her and her 10 year old daughter to walk from the five points marta station in downtown Atlanta to her hotel nine blocks away when the flight landed at 10:30pm.  I wanted to tell her it’s about as safe as telling a complete stranger that you are alone and where you will be staying for the next three days.   

The thing is, when I fly, I have two rules:

1.       Don’t talk to me.

2.       Don’t touch me.

They are simple rules and should be simple to follow.  To emphasize the rules, I always wear headphones, have a book in my hand and sit by the window.  I expect to be spoken to by one person and that is the flight attendant who brings me my snacks.  But the majority of the time, I don’t know why I even bother.  I always end up engrossed in conversation with the closest weirdo. 

C: Apoca-crap

So I was intrigued by the cover of my husband's Men's Vogue (yes, there is apparently a Men's version of Vogue) and (yes, apparently my husband finds it acceptable for straight, married men with children to read Men's Vogue). The cover advertised an article titled "Apocalypse Boot Camp". I was giddy.

It has become an increasing worry of mine that we are on the brink of Apocalypse and I am completely unprepared. This worry is mostly spurred by the fact that my good pal Amy (coauthor of this blog) seems to exclusively read books describing (1) the end of the earth or (2) what happens after all hell breaks loose. Since I live my literary life vicariously through her due to my unfortunate lack of free time, I find myself constantly thinking about what to do in an Apocalypse (I like capitalizing it to ensure that "it" does not think I am not showing due respect so that "it" does not unleash itself) - try this book for starters.

The article exposed what I had suspected all along: I'm a total goner. Apparently you should do the following to remain prepared for the (drumroll please)....APOCALYPSE:

• You need to make like the Mormons and stash major amounts of non-perishable food and water. Good news for me is that I already consume half of my meals in a bar form so I just need to stock up on more Luna bars.
• Chlorineis a good chemical to have on hand in copious amounts to sterilize questionable water...and post-apocalypse, it will all be questionable water. Drive thee to the nearest pool supply store pronto.
• Cash is critical. Liquefy some of your 3 months stash now that the financial world has gone all amok. Apparently mattress-stashing is all the rage, but I am thinking that a fire-proof, super-secure safe might be a better bet. This one I will struggle with - I have trained myself to carry only an Amex.....ah, Amex, how I will miss you post-Apocalypse....you make me so happy.
• Location, Location, Location...specifically you need options. Living near a major city may have perks now but rural, secluded land near a natural water supply is going to be the new "it" area code. But not too close to the ocean and avoid Florida entirely. Middle-of-nowhere Nebraska would be perfect.
• Read up on Ted Nugentand learn how to stock up and use weapons. Post-Apocalyptic times will be really violent and you need to arm up. That being said, I plan to ignore my own advice except that I may splurge on a nicer paring knife.

So, the readers digest version of post-Apocalypse living is that life will really suck beyond belief and the most important way to prepare yourself is to lower your expectations and stock up on mad quantities of anti-depressants to get through it. Getting through it is crucial because right now the only people with survival skills are crazy nutsos like the unibomber, Bear Grylls and Dwight Schrute. That is some frightening DNA to create the next generation, so we need some of us regular people to learn how to survive for the sake of humanity.

A: Where will all the grownups go?

I talked to JJ (pseudo-name for my brother) last night about this blog.  He read it for the first time and his comment was,“it’s like you are a 14 year old”. His second comment was, “that’s not an insult, just an observation”.

Now, I know being a kid is a whole lot less fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, but I can’t see how this could be an insult?  Recently, I was trading cd’s with my 10 year old cousin who stated simply, "you and I have a lot in common".  So after that, 14 is a big step up.  What makes JJ’s comment interesting to me is that clearly he is in complete denial that there is no longer a generational gap between 30 year olds and teenagers.  We all, on some level, are in touch with our inner 14 year old.  It’s a phenomenon unique to the times and we will all be better off if we can stop living in denial and embrace the peter pan syndrome that is sweeping the nation.   

Many of you are in denial like JJ.  Think about it…

Do you still walk around with your ipod buds in your ears? 

How many of you can’t get enough Wii? 

Do you ever wear jean’s to work?  

How many friend’s do you have on Facebook? 

What’s the most you’ve spent on a pair of jeans that look like they’ve been worn in? 

Who hasn’t read either Harry Potter or Twilight and thought this is the best book I’ve ever read? 

Do you love new stuff like HDTVs, touch phones and anything Apple? 

Face it….you're just like a teenager, but with more discretionary funds. This is not a personal theory.  Books have been published about it.  And New York Magazine even wrote a feature article about it where the author termed a new phrase for it, “grups”.  One of the biggest distinguishing features of a grup is that the parents of grups would trade a pay day for a vacation day any day.  What impresses a “grup” is someone in their 30s who can still sleep in on a week day.  I can vouch for this.  I am self employed and the comment I get most frequently from people is not about my earning potential but rather how lucky I am that I can work at will and travel freely. 

Now why does any of this matter?  Because it’s time to pick a side.  With the number of grownups who absolutely refuse to grow up increasing every year, you need to think about where you want to end up.  Do you want to be one of those people who own more pairs of khaki’s than you do jeans and just can’t understand what’s the big deal with the Jonas Brothers?  Or would you rather be the kind of grown up who goes shopping with your kid at H&M and can explain that the reason the Jonas Brother’s are so popular is because they remind everybody of the evolution of Tom Hanks?  

So what should you do to please your inner 14 year old?

• Go to itunes and download Britney’s new CD
• Vote in the next round of American Idol
• Take your kids to Starbucks
• Hang out in the YA section of the bookstore

Not only will you find yourself more satisfied with life, you also be more prepared to face the future of American culture.